when you prick me..i bleed.

i have saved this post multiple times as a blank page searching for the words to say. searching for how to express what i am feeling. and there is just too much to even comprehend. my mind is full of 5483957893 different feelings & thoughts and i cannot focus on just one.

i dont know if any of you remember a post i wrote back in february called "grief and loss". in this post i had talked about losing a friend due to external circumstances and a pretty messy situation. about two days ago, i heard from this person out of the blue via facebook message. i already had a long, tiring, and emotionally draining day (it was the day i had my surprise physical) and had worked a 8 hour shift til midnight. i went home to relax and opened up my facebook account and to my surprise i had a message from her...

i was blown away. she said that she knew she was not allowed to contact me but that she had been following my blog daily and wanted me to know that she cared about me and had faith in me. my heart immediately sunk. i responded and we ended up having a conversation through messages and on the phone.

i originally stood my ground and stood up for myself expressing how hurt i was how our friendship ended and how she went about ceasing all contact with me. i then asked her "why are you contacting me all of a sudden? why three months later??" she took about a minute and a half to respond and her response made my heart hit the floor. i will not tell you why she decided to contact me because that is her information to tell, not mine. as soon as i heard those words come out of her mouth i lost it all. i became mush. the compassionate side of myself came out and all i wanted to do was give her a hug. be there for her. i suddenly forgot about how much she hurt me in the past...how after our friendship ended i immediately tanked in recovery. all of that didnt matter in that moment.

after our phone conversation ended in an abrupt manner (due to her choice..yet again), i immediately began balling my eyes out. and if you know me, i dont cry easily. i find it as a sign of weakness. thank goodness i had a friend that was available to skype with that distracted me and listened. because i was having so many urges at the time. ed urges as well as other urges. i simply could not deal. i was again severely triggered. everything that happened months ago was brought up again to the surface. the emotional scars were reopened and were bleeding. profusely. when you prick me, i bleed.

i was up until 530 am that morning. i couldnt sleep. i couldnt think. i couldnt focus. i couldnt even form a simple sentence that made sense. all i wanted to do was run away from the pain and uncomfortable feelings that were coming up. i ended up being an hour late to work the next day. i called my counselor at school and left him a message to call me because i needed support.

he listened and gave me some advice.

i dont really know what i am getting at by telling you guys this...but i had to get this off of my chest.

i want to support this old friend as much as i can because i still deeply care for her. however, due to the way she ended this before, i am not sure if legally we can have contact. which is sad, because i know she could probably use some extra support in this tough time and i would like to be there for her. but ultimately, it is up to her. not me. and we all know how i hate not having control and when the ball is in someone elses court.

i am trying so hard to not this affect my recovery because too much is at stake right now. i have been successful (so far) but let me tell you. it is not easy. not one bit. because my anorexia is how i manage uncomfortable feelings and feelings that are too painful to even get close to. but ultimately, my body needs nourishment to function. and if i want to stay in school and work on my career, i need to give my body what it needs and deserves. i have an amazing support system and team who are cheering me on and who are in my corner. and for that i am grateful. i just need to not let myself hop back on that roller coaster i was previously on. i need to be stable and when my life is spinning or going up and down that cannot happen.

hope you have a happy happy saturday.

love you dolls,

lis