another chance.

mother nature has finally graced us with some good weather. and my does it make me happy! i have been able to drive with my windows down, sunroof open, music blaring, and the wind blowing through my brunette locks.

i know in my last post, i said i would take a break from posting, but after a long and emotionally draining day i figured i would update yall on my current status.

well today i had an appt at the health center with the director and i thought it was my usual appt. weights, vitals, and a check in. so the nurse takes me into the room and takes out a gown. i was a little confused since normally i am not asked to put a gown on. i was like "whats this for? am i getting a physical?" to my surprise i was. i had no idea. so now i was extremely anxious and she took my vitals. my BP and pulse was sky high. and when i say sky high, i mean through the roof, people. well duh. dont surprise me with a full on physical and then take my vitals. stupid people. i then got weighed..in a johnny (gotta love those! not.) and went back to the exam room and waited for the director to come in and do my exam.

she did the full out head to toe exam. eyes, ears, nose, throat, reflexes, looked at my skin, listened to my stomach, and my heart. and she said "my...your heart is beating so rapidly. but no murmur so that is good" of course its going to beat fast when my BP was 145/110 and my pulse was 135. i then got changed and followed her back to her office...

i checked out fine physically, but she was concerned with my weight as it had dropped since last week. she then proceeded to tell me what she and the rest of the team was considering on doing about my current condition. they all agreed that i need some sort of structure behind restoring weight and that asking me to leave school would not be beneficial to me whatsoever. thank god they agree with me this time! so it has been settled that i will continue to see my T on a weekly basis, my psychiatrist regularly, see my counselor at school on a needed basis, and be medically monitored every week at the health center which includes weights and vitals. they are looking for me to restore a certain amount of weight each week which isnt real unreasonable.

the healthy part of lisa knows that this is a good thing and that blowing the whistle on myself was a good choice. however my disordered part of lisa (ed) is saying "fuck them. they dont know what they are doing. listen to me. stick with me. i have your back". but rationally, i know these people care about me. they dont want to see me waste away. its painful to watch.

so now i have to figure out how i am going to conquer ed while he is rearing his ugly head and screaming at me every second of every day. i need an action plan. because this cant go on anymore if i want to succeed in life. it just cant.

my T brought up a good point in our session today. as of late, i have been constantly on the go from one place to another. i never sit down, i never am home except to sleep. and she said "to me it seems like all of this running around serves a purpose. so what are you running from?" she makes a good point. i am running from myself. i cant sit by myself for even 5 minutes because i dont like myself. not one bit. but at the end of the day when we get home from work we have to be with ourselves. we cant run away forever. i run from things that are too painful to feel or even become close to. i run by either keeping myself so busy that i dont have time to think, abuse alcohol to not feel, or simply use other peoples lives to distract me from my own. when i feel deep sadness i often think that i am going to feel this way forever and that it will never get better. but in reality, feelings come and go. they come in waves. they ebb and flow. they dont last forever. they may be uncomfortable, but soon they pass..

she suggested that i take 5 minutes (which really is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things) and do something for lisa. that immediately created anxiety for me. i cant sit still, i cant sit in silence. i find silence as awkward and immediately feel the need to fill it with something..anything. when i find myself not surrounded by others either physically or through the means of technology, i become anxious and depressed. this is how i have learned to manage. but it is something i am willing to try.

this is my last chance to get this right. i cant let anything get in my way of recovery. the administration at school is putting their faith and trust in me to do this on my own while i remain in school. and i certainly dont want to fail. so my friends, i need to take things as they come. one day a time. one minute at a time. try and not run from things and learn to manage how i think and feel in healthy ways.

hope you have a splendid day.