grief & loss.

i am mourning the loss of a dear friend. no, she did not pass away. she did not move away. in fact, she lives ten minutes down the highway from me. but due to certain circumstances (which i would not like to go into detail about) i am no longer allowed to have contact with her legally. i have been left hurt, lost, confused, and rejected. no one likes to be rejected, certainly not me. it is one thing i have significant issues with since i can remember.

throughout my 22 years of living, people have come in and out of my life. like a revolving door. i have learned to build a wall up and not let people in. a wall that leaves me so guarded and reserved. a wall that protects me from everyone else. but it also isolates me. in the beginning of the process with my T she asked me to visually imagine this wall and somehow physically make a representation of it. i am certainly not an artist (actually art gives me anxiety) =P but i did it. and we used almost an entire session to talk about the wall that separates me from the rest of the world.

when i get to know someone, whether it is a friend, coworker, or someone i am involved with romantically i have this guard up. it's like the saying "like everyone. trust no one". i have learned from experiences i can only trust myself and people will hurt me. but once in a while. once in a GREAT while someone will come along that will chip away at that wall piece by piece and i will be vulnerable. that is exactly what happened in this situation. i gave and gave all i had and cared to the point where i was left exposed. and where did it get me? hurt. heartbroken. my heart was and is once again in pieces. and i have to pick them up one by one.

this loss has triggered my ed of course. it has made me feel like i will never be good enough no matter how hard i try. no matter how much i care. it just wont be enough. it has me questioning my every action for the past 3 months or so and has me questioning who i am as a person...

but we are allowed time to grieve, whether it is someone who is still on this earth or not. i have learned a lot from this experience however i cannot do anything about it. there is no way around it. so...i have to sit with it. process it. and realize i did all i could. and move on.

topic shift...

i start my new job in two days. i am scared beyond belief. i have been struggling a lot lately (as you can tell) even though i try to make this bloggie a positive place. i fear that i will continue down this road of self destruction and fuck up (excuse my french) =P. i fear that i will jeopardize all i have worked hard for simply for what? to lose weight? for ed to win? it just cant happen. it cant. i talked about this with my T today for quite awhile, most of the session actually. i need to start taking responsibility for me and my actions and start acting like an adult. because on thursday, i start a "big girl" job. i will be working 32+ hours a week, full time graduate school, and looking for an internship. i think to myself...am i taking on too much? my T suggested that on thursday i ask if i can start at a mere 20 hours and work my way up. that way i can see if i can handle it. i think that is reasonable. it doesnt hurt to ask, right?

anyways, i have blabbed enough. we are supposed to get 12" of snow tomorrow. YUUUUCK. not a happy camper about that. hope you all are having a wonderful tuesday evening.

love love love

lis