control.

control. it takes over our lives. whether it is about food or not. for me, i am a control FREAK. i like to control everything and everyone. and if i cant...well it is not pretty. my room (for the most part) is immaculate. everything has its place. and this manifests in more than one part of my life...

as someone with an eating disorder, i obviously have control issues. i like my food prepared certain ways. i will eat only certain things and have other rituals. but it goes beyond that. the term control runs my life. if i cannot control every little thing i feel like there is no point in life. i have to be the one who calls the shots. the ball needs to be in my court. and when it's not, beware.

mamadukes is the same way (and since i am adopted) i do not know if this is nature vs. nurture. but as i am getting older, i find it being more nurture than anything. dont get me wrong, i love my mom with all of my heart. but my family members on more than one occasion have said i "resemble" my mom in certain controlling ways. which doesnt make me feel better. and makes me question my eating disorder more so.

(i apologize if the picture is triggering...it just seem to resemble the concept the best)

lately i have found myself not liking the fact that certain people and situations are out of my control (refer to previous blogs). i like to control...well EVERYTHING. i hate when i cant make a decision or have the say in something. when something is ultimately decided for me and there is no budge...well, my personality eating disorder acts out. i begin to control the only thing i know how to. the things that go into my body. whether medication or food. and that is where i get into trouble. i find my life so "out of control" that the only thing i seem to have control over is what i put into my body. and that my friends, is the core of anorexia. it isnt pretty by any stretch of the imagination...it is painful. ugly. scary.

so as of late, i find myself struggling with this concept of control. i DO have control of taking care of myself. no one else does. but the voice of ed seems so prominent. so loud. but i need to ignore him. he is trying to destroy me with one day at a time. i may not be able to control the events that occur in my life but i can control my reactions to such events and i can control my health. only i can.

so i leave you with this thought...

can you can take back control of your life?

love you to pieces

lis