let it be.

hi my lovelies! it is 540 pm and i am finally able to breathe. today has been quite the long day. i had my appt with my psychiatrist at 1030, therapy at 12, and a second therapy sesh w. my counselor at school at 230. it was a long and exhausting day to say the least. poured my heart out to three different people. but it was much needed and felt oh so good.

i cannot tell you how much i like my T. she really seems to understand and has helped me realize a lot in the past few months. today we talked a lot about healthy and unhealthy relationships. how i tend to react to every little thing that happens in my life. she questioned me asking what would happen if i were to be more reflective than reactive? if instead of using alcohol, my eating disorder, or other things to distract me from something that is happening, that i simply sit with the feelings. they may not always be comfortable, but as i said in my previous posts i have been running. and running fast. she asked me to take a recent example and simply "let it be." dont do anything about it when it comes up. i thought that was interesting and i want to try and challenge myself with that idea.

we also touched upon how there have been people in my life in the past who have been incredibly symbolic of my eating disorder. as if they were the physical embodiment of ED. how i have been in controlling, manipulative relationships and feel the need to be the rescuer and fix everything. how i feel the need to be perfect in every which way and to please the other person.

we talked about a particular event in my life and how it has affected me in so many ways. how it has exhausted all of my resources. it left me tired, run down, emotionally drained, and no time for myself...which obviously is not healthy for me..i dont know. i just have a lot to think about. a lot to process and a lot to figure out.

on another note...

the past couple of days have been rough emotionally-wise but i have been managing quite well. after my meeting at the health center last week i have been trying my hardest to change my eating in a more positive direction. it hasnt been easy. not one bit. but i am doing better than i was. it is a conscious effort to make a meal and sit and eat it...and then of course to hold onto it. but i realize that a lot is on the line. my education, my job, my finances, my relationships with people. i have my weekly appointment tomorrow at the health center for my weights and vitals. i am so anxious because i know i have gained (i obviously weigh myself before my shower every morning). i am afraid that the nurses are going to judge me when the number balances out on the scale and be like "oh my goodness...look at how much she gained in a week!" of course rationally, it is not a lot at all, but ed makes it out to be so much more than it is. ed of course is freaking out but i am just trying to tell him to shut up. to tell him i am doing this for lisa and that i deserve to treat my body well and nourish it with good things.

i tend to think that other people deserve to be treated well and to nourish themselves. so why is it different when it comes to me? that is something i am still figuring out. i am more than my anorexia and i want to show everyone that i can do this. that i can fight this damn disease and come out on top. i just need to take it one meal, one day, or one hour at a time..

love love love

lis

thought for the day:

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. ♥,,

You can't go back and manipulate

things to the way you wanted

them to happen. Because life'd

be meaningless and boring and

just not worth living. But you can

change the f u t u r e and that's a

beautiful thing about life. Yes, you

will make mistakes. And yes, you

will have bad days - but as long as

you let the past go, you'll have

such a gorgeous and bright future

ahead of you. Knowing that things

were meant to happen. Knowing

that each day you will learn

something so that you keep

growing to be a better person. Life

is like a rope, twined in all its

complexities and yet weaved into

one marvelous stream that you have

the chance you use s o m e t h i n g

a m a z i n g f r o m .

So grab hold of it.