sti-yu-ka

happy saturday, my beautiful friends!

yesterday marked the beginning of STI-YU-KA at Springfield College. Here is the basic definition of this annual event:

(1) One week in late April on the Springfield College campus when students combine efforts toward total self-destruction.

(2) The single reason that aforementioned "students" attend Springfield College in the first place.

STI-YU-KA is our week long spring week where basically it gives students an "excuse" to make destructive behaviors and drink beyond blackout. the school obviously does not condone this behavior but administration does set up events such as a greased pole climb and a concert (this year Ludacris is coming). The administration as well as professors know that this is a week every year where students are intoxicated pretty much 24/7. people bring drinks to class and professors are more likely to cancel class or not assign anything because they know that students are in the STI-YU-KA mode.

this is my first year where i am not on campus for any of the events the college is holding. tonight is the luda concert and i am not attending because i am working until 8 pm. i am looking at peoples faceybook statuses and all of them are about getting wasteyface & seeing luda. i am so jealous.

i know i am working on recovery and sobriety, but the sick part of me still wants to engage in all of these self-destructive behaviors simply because of what time of year it is. right now i am struggling with going out tonight. i want to so badly but the healthy side of me knows i will just made poor life choices if i decide to go out. i am so conflicted...*le sigh*

on another note...

the past two days i have done pretty remarkable eating-wise. i went to my moms house thursday night into friday to spend the day with mamadukes, gram, and babysit my nugget (niece). i had a blast. my nugget pretty much completes my life. we went out to lunch after my gram got her nails done and i did really well. i think it helped to distract me by feeding my niece and taking care of her at the restaurant. it made me not think of what i was putting into my body. we also had a nice family dinner with my gram, gramps, mamadukes, my aunt and uncle, my cousin, and my niece. and i did really well with that too. i kind of just buckled down and did what i had to do. i felt incredibly guilty after the meal and was having so many urges. but i knew i just had to sit it out. i knew i wouldnt feel like that forever. and guess what? i didnt! i showed myself that i am capable of nourishing myself and not engaging in any eating disorder behaviors...so i just gotta keep on truckin.

as for today, i am at work from 11-8. we did not have any $$ to plan an outing so we made a big meal here and invited a few of my clients family members over. and let me tell you, this was anxiety provoking. eating an ACTUAL meal with my coworker, clients, AND two outside people and then holding onto it. ed was freaking out...telling me to limit my portions. i tried my best to ignore his voice and did what a "normal" person would do. but of course at the end of the meal, my coworker commented on how much i ate and how he was proud of me...he was like "when we are done with you here, youll be all fattened up". like DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF?!?! do people not have any common sense at all? if you know someone is struggling with an eating disorder dont you realize that commenting on their appearance or what they eat or dont eat isnt appropriate??? i just shrugged it off but then i felt extremely anxious. my leg started going a mile a minute and adding up all the calories that i just consumed...i started making plans in my head for how to burn those cals later. ed was like "look at what you just ate. you have no self control. that is absolutely disgusting. you dont deserve any of that.." and blah blah blah. why cant i just have like five minutes of silence in my head without critiquing what i do?? it would be such a nice change.

after dinner i immediately went into the kitchen to do the dishes to distract myself. i still feel so incredibly full and uncomfortable. i feel fat and disgusting. oh wait...thats right, fat isnt a feeling :P

well i should probably do something productive at this point.

love you to the moon & back,

lis