4.18.10

good afternoon, sunshines! i was able to sleep in today (til 3 pm!) which rarely happens anymore. however i feel like i didnt sleep well at all. i woke up multiple times throughout the night and my blankets were on the floor. that is how i can tell i didnt sleep well because normally i barely toss and turn. i am currently at work, here til midnight, and i cant help from yawning. i have my coffee medium french vanilla iced cream & 2 slendas but it doesnt seem to be kicking in.

i have been trying so hard the past few days to up my cals and i have managed to be successful however i cant get over the fact how bloated i look/feel. i made the mistake of weighing myself last night when i got home from work (which i have abstained from for a few days) and boy i freaked when i saw the number on the scale. i began to start body checking and freaking out. i then calmed myself down by telling myself that it is most likely all water weight because it is not really possible to gain that much in such a small amount of time. it made me feel better, for a few minutes or so.

last night i hung out with an old friend and all went well. i was really nervous about this because she and i have so much history, but surprisingly, it went well. we sat on the couch watching the red sox game (they lost 6-5. boooo) and catching up on each others lives. it felt as if we never stopped being friends and continued where we left off. i left her house around 130 am and headed to school to visit with one of my friends kelly..

i got to campus and kell met me outside because she needed a ciggy. the first thing she said to me was "you look so small. too small" i tried to tell her i have been gaining weight again, but she didnt believe me. ed enjoyed her noticing the fact that i have lost weight in the past 3 months since i saw her last. it felt like i was being noticed for an accomplishment. needless to say, i only stayed there for about 45 min. i wasnt having much fun and was uber tired. so i headed back home to crash.

i am struggling today with really bad body image. i am having a hard time accepting the fact that i need to nourish my body and that physically there are going to be changes. i have reached that scary number and i am terrified of going over it. like somehow if i go over that silly little number i have lost all control. i have my weekly check up on wednesday and i am struggling with gaining more weight until then. because i hate hate hate other people seeing how much i weigh and obviously they are looking for an upward trend. i just have to take it one day at a time.

i am going to relax and watch the wedding date on tv. i love this movie..its super cute!

i will leave you with this thought:

There's a train track to life.
But that doesn't mean you have to follow it.

have a splendid sunday my loves.

lis