the past 48 hours i have pretty much been crawling
out of my skin. i have upped my cals because i know i have to in order to stay in school but i feel so uncomfortable in my body. i feel bloated. fat. disgusting. all of the above. i just looked at some pictures on my computer from all time periods within the last 6 months and i immediately started comparing how i am now to how i was then...even at my illest. i can see the physical changes in me...in simply my face & i am disgusted. ugh. it simply repulses me. as much as people said i looked ill then, i thought i looked great. and now i feel like a freakin orca whale. yuuuuuck.
today i did something that was an EXTREME challenge for me. i went to the grocery store and i went by myself. this was the first FULL grocery trip i have made in over 3 months. usually i just go in and get 3 or 4 things because it is too overwhelming. but this time, since my shelves and fridge were bare, i knew i had to go. i stood in the aisles for moments on end deciding what to buy. i would pick something up and put it back. i would turn boxes around and compare labels and choose the "better" choice. ok yes...these are ed behaviors but i want to look at the positives here that i went and i spent $74 on food for my apartment. i was so anxious throughout the whole trip. ed was screaming the whole time telling me what foods were "safe" and to "stay away from this or that". i left the store feeling accomplished and shared this with a few close friends...
most of you know that i am extremely into shows about addiction/substance abuse. last nights episode of intervention was about a girl suffering from bulimia. i have a monday night ritual where i watch this show religiously no matter what the topic is. and if you mess with my ritual it will not end pretty =P i found the episode quite triggering as her ed behaviors were clearly recorded and found myself comparing my physique to her....i am not as skinny as she is, she is having medical complications from her ed and so on and so on. i sometimes am jealous of people who have medical complications because i feel like since i do not and medically everything shows up normal, that i am not a good enough anorexic. i do not starve myself enough or exercise enough. ahhhhh.
i have my weekly appt at the health center tomorrow at 1130 and i am dreading it as usual. i DESPISE having other people see how much i weigh. i feel judged and
as if they are thinking "oh my god. look at much she has gained in a week. thats disgusting." my T pointed out that those are MY thoughts, not theirs. they arent thinking anything remotely close to that. which i guess is true.
the director of the health center always likes to go over my food intake and i am going to tell her tomorrow that it triggering for me. in tx i hated filling out food journals and writing down what i ate. it would make me freak out and be like "i put THAT into my body?!?!" we will see how she reacts.
on another note...
tonight at midnight begins To Write Love on Her Arms Day. if you are not aware of this cause it is a non-profit organization that promotes awareness about depression, suicide, and self mutilation. thousands if not millions of people participate by simply writing the word "love" on their arm and i have been participating since i cant even remember...especially since my sweet angel, jewls left us. so i encourage you, my friends...to write "love" on your arms
. it doesnt have to be perfect nor beautiful. simple is more than enough...and take a picture and post if for people to see. we need to spread awareness about the struggles millions of people face and the pain that they endure on the inside as well as the outside. their scars tell a story...so let them tell it...
love love love
lis
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