hi my beautiful friends. this morning i woke up at the reasonable hour of 1030 after spending the night with my dear friend kelly. it was nice to catch up with her. i havent hung out with her in months due to my hectic schedule. i love this girl to death. she and i have been friends for 4 years now and there have been some crazy times.
i planned on spending most of my day cleaning house because it was rather disgusting. my roomies and i are all so busy that we dont have time to clean much. the house hasnt had a FULL clean since february. yuuuck. i got home and my motivation was lacking. i saw it as a tremendous task and had no idea where to start.
i began cleaning and got quite a bit done and then BAM. it hit me. i started getting horrible cramps. i have always been one to get my period, even at my lowest of weights. i have what is called endometriosis. it is a chronic disease where the uterine lining grows outside of the uterus and during menstruation it sheds and creates lesions. it causes debilitating pain. all during high school i missed at least 3 days of school a month. i was diagnosed at the age of 17 after 5 years of multiple trials of birth controls and painkillers. in 2005, i had 2 surgeries to cauterize the endometriosis. i was told i have a severe case. so needless to say, when i get my monthly gift, i am usually in a lot of pain. my level of pain has been pretty good for the past 9 months to a year until recently of course. now that i am nourishing my body, for some reason my pain has gotten worse.
so as i was cleaning i began to feel it coming on and it got to the point where i was curled up in a ball in my bed crying. i called mamadukes and she knew something was wrong because she could hear me crying. she thinks i may need to see my specialist again. the thing is, the only way to tell if the endometriosis has grown more is to have surgery. and i certainly dont want surgery. i took 3 ibprofen and took a 2 hour nap. i woke up around 3 pm and took a quick shower and off to work i went.
it seems like i dont ever get a break. now that recovery has become a part of my life (not by choice really) my endometriosis seems to be getting worse. ahhhh i hate all of this.
i have gained X lbs in 2 weeks and i can tell that my clothes are fitting differently. my pants arent as loose. my belt is on a different notch. i know that these are good signs but my eating disorder is freaking out telling me how fat i am getting. last night kelly said again that i look too thin and i was like "kell..i am gaining weight. really. ive gained X lbs in 2 weeks" and she was like "it doesnt look like it" i hate having a distorted perception of what i look like. because to me i look like an orca whale. i feel like everyone can see the weight that i have gained and think i look disgusting. i am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now but i know that i have to push through this. i know that i am going to be uncomfortable for awhile but as my body adjusts to eating, my weight will get to a certain point and plateau. its just the waiting part that it is so hard.
i have been noticing a lot of physical symptoms due to restoring weight. edema & night sweats. how lovely both of those are. i wake up multiple times from sleeping drenched in sweat. i remember being at renfrew and the same thing happening. it is quite disgusting to say the least. and my body is retaining water like crazy. i never dealt with edema in the past but i guess i am now since this relapse was quite bad? i went to scratch an itch on my leg today and noticed my legs are quite swollen. so i am going to ask for a script for TEDS. maybe i can make them a new fashion trend? hehe.
ok, i think i am just starting to ramble on and on and on. i dont even know if this post has made much sense.
hope you are having a sparkling day, lovebugs.
lis
well i'm glad your sweating :) and trying to get healthy of course :P
ReplyDeletei just remember an incident with edema like my freshman or sophmore year of college (sometime before renfrew). but i had never heard of it before. all i knew was i would look down and my feet would be noticeably bigger. i guess it still happens now, to my fingers also, when i binge if i don't purge right away / at all.
anyway! i was being my usual bulimic self and binging for who knows what number time at like 3 am in my dorm. well when i finally stood up to go purge my legs like wouldn't work. they hurt and felt weird and when i looked at them i BUGGED out. but it was 3am.. i wasn't going to wake my roommate up. i called shaun, he didn't know what it was. panic attack. crying. i remember being pretty sure i was going to lose my legs or die. but, i got over it, because of course purging was more important than figuring out what the issue was :/
i think this is when i started becoming really fearful of sodium. i retain water like a sponge :( but luckily my legs have never felt like that again.