i have decided i have a love/hate relationship with faceybook. it is really great to stay in contact with people you have come in contact with throughout your life BUT it can remind you of the past (good and bad) compliments of timeline.
the other day i was searching for people aka. stalking haha and came across my ex boyfriends girlfriend. i had searched for her previously but this time, i came across something that was...difficult to say the least. he got married. the pictures were plastered on her wall and her name was changed to his last name. my heart sank. i talked about our breaking up in a previous post if you remember. he was one of the two people i dated that i talked about having a future together. we gave each other promise rings and planned to get married the summer between my graduation and grad school. that clearly did not happen.
i immediately felt like my stomach was in my throat and like i could instantly throw up in my lap. it was the same feeling i felt 5 years ago when my heart was broken. all of those feelings came rushing back. the feelings of worthlessness, not being good enough, thin enough, pretty enough. i was overwhelmed and started to just cry my eyes out. i felt like if i cried i would never stop (which is completely irrational). i remember 5 years ago for two entire weeks i slept. i was running to and from the bathroom throwing up even when nothing was in my stomach because i couldnt eat. the act of purging is violent if you really think about it. its a way to "get rid" of feelings to inflict pain on yourself.
along with knowing he is now married, the anniversary of when ANOTHER ex broke up with me is today it sucks being the break-up-ee. it was two years ago when i was sitting on my porch crying until i had no tears left, begging to save our relationship. we tried to make things work numerous times but there were so many things that got in the way. boundaries upon boundaries among other issues. this past january, we were sitting on the couch watching candy spelling's show about selling/redoing her house. we talked about how we would like our house together to be, what things we like and dont like. we also talked about getting married and having children (i even looked at dresses and rings). then something happened and we had to break the ties. for good. a month later, this person was in a relationship when i was still crumbling under the heart break. to this day i love them with all of my heart and i secretly wish we could get back together (unlike taylor swifts new song). i cant listen to some songs because it reminds me of the relationship or even the heartbreak. i relive it all the time like a broken record and it is exhausting. i wonder if i ever cross their mind, if in some way they still love me...i actually got an email from them today which was a bit odd. it was saying that they accepted a new job. we dont talk on a regular basis but will email each other once in a while to update each other on life. i just found it quite coincidental i got that email today. maybe im reading too much into it?
i have a point to this post. the question is...am i getting to it? what purpose is it serving me to perseverate and obsess over relationships that ended years ago? is it negatively or positively effecting my emotional health? why do i constantly put myself through so much emotional torture day in a day out? i think it is because i believe i deserve the pain. i deserved to be broken hearted and to be abandoned, left in the dust. i wish there was some way i could just "suck it up". unfortunately, i am not that type of person.
im sick of wondering what went wrong. im sick of beating myself up for not being good enough, not grieving quickly enough, not being enough enough.
i’m sick of wondering what happens next.
what happens next is that i move forward. i have no pieces to pick up, i don’t want them any more.
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