learning curve

the last few days have been very stressful. i started my new job on monday as being a case manager in the substance abuse field. it is my first "real" job in the field. 

in weeks prior to this and the day before i started, i found myself saying im not good enough for this job, i will fail at it, and so many other negative thoughts. ed was chiming in quite a bit but i kept trying to reframe those negative thoughts as much as possible.

my first day was overwhelming to say the least. i hadnt slept the night prior because my anxiety was through the roof. i went in with my head held high and my stomach in my throat. i was introduced to SO many people who i dont recall any of their names. i then went to a meeting at a 28 day program for a little bit to discuss clients. when i went back to the office, i was given a million and one papers and forms that are used for documentation. people were talking in abbreviations and talking about different facilities, rehabs, detoxes, and shelters. i felt so incredibly lost. by 3 pm my head was spinning. i tried so hard to pay attention. its as if i wasnt there.

i came home and had such a short fuse because i was exhausted. i was drained.

yesterday was day two. i shadowed a really nice woman and she showed me the ropes. we went to a homeless shelter to bring a woman to an orientation at a womens transitional program. she unfortunately did not qualify due to no income. we then went to another 28 day program. we were on the road legit ALL day. it was a good day. i had a lot of my questions answered and was given a whole new perspective. i obviously knew people struggled and were homeless but i actually got to SEE how much they struggle just to survive.

it was then off to therapy for 7 pm. i thankfully changed my appt to that time and had a chance to get a cup of coffee and decompress. the woman i shadowed told me that in this job you can burnout. sometimes its inevitable. but she gave me a good tip--> during the day she treats herself to a coffee or something like that and as soon as it hits 430 she turns her phone off and its time for her. 

i talked to my T about my experience the last few days. i told her there simply is NO room for my eating disorder in this job. she then said 'there has to be room for it. there will be room for it because its a struggle you have." this is true. my eating disorder will be there but i need to not let it consume me and take it over. as i look back in the past, i was so lost. i couldnt function. i was hanging on by a thread. as i make my way in recovery, good things are happening. i got this job that can open the door to so many possibilities, i have eliminated the drama in my life that was keeping me stuck in my disorder, and i have a chance to connect with others (btdubbs i have a date on thursday..) none of this happened when i was sick and it couldnt.

i have been talking to a few people including my T from college about the last few days, the stress, and the negative thinking that pops in my head every once in awhile. my old T said "you are good enough. actually you are MORE than good enough"  he also said "when everyone starts, they have a "learning curve" these and many other positive affirmations from people lifted my spirits. its true, they would not have hired me if i was not capable of the job. they clearly thought i was a good fit and would make a difference...

...now to live up to that expectation is a different story.