i have been applying for jobs for over 5 months now. i have gone on numerous interviews with different agencies including a state job. a few weeks ago i went on an interview for a case management position with clients who struggle with substance abuse. it is a vastly different position than what i currently do, but it is in the right direction of where i want to go in the future in this field.
i left the interview not knowing if it went well or not. interviews are always so tough to judge whether they went great or poorly. they said they would get ahold of me either way. so i sat for a little over a week waiting for my phone to ring. if you know me, patience isnt my strong suit. i was getting anxious with not knowing if i got the job or not. i started telling myself, "well, its been 5 days and they havent called. you obviously didnt get the job. they realized you arent good enough for it"
when i came home from seeing my T yesterday, i got a message on my machine at home from the agency to call them. i could feel a lump in my throat as i dialed the number. they said they would like to offer me the position of case manager. i became elated. i told them i would let them know my decision by tomorrow. i dont want to act impulsively and say yes without some serious thinking. i got off the phone and i started to cry. this is what ive worked so hard in school for. i have paid my "dues" per se in this field for almost 3 years. it is time i get my feet wet.
it didnt seem real that they chose to offer me the position. i was in shock. then my mind went straight to "is this good for my recovery? will it be too much and i will relapse?" it is a reality that i need to look over. this new job will be VERY intense and stressful. they said in the interview they have you shadow someone then they throw you in the ocean without a life vest. comforting, non?
i do not sit well with transitions, change, and stress. my eating disorder behaviors start to really come out when any of those occur. i use my eating disorder as control when i feel like my world is out of control and things are changing at a fast pace. i have been doing fairly well in recovery lately. i am doing a lot of hard work in therapy and my T acknowledged that yesterday.
i have been reaching out to some of my friends to get their perspective on whether i should take the position or not. a lot of people said it is a "no brainer" that i should accept the job. others are encouraging me to really evaluate if this is the best thing for my recovery. one friend has been in the field as a counselor for 6 years and told me how it affected her recovery from ed. she said that it was hard to listen to other peoples struggles without being caught up in her internal battles and couldnt give them the undivided attention they needed and deserved. that she did well in her recovery when her clients were doing well and vice versa. she made all good point but scared the shit out of me.
my eating disorder has robbed me of so many things already (i devoted my entire sesh with my T yesterday on this). he has robbed me of being alive. why should i let him take away this great opportunity? maybe doing something i love will give me a new sense of purpose and joy. OR maybe i will crash and burn under the pressure...
my mind is going around in circles so much it is making me dizzzay.
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