keeps me going...

the two things that keep me going are my two little nuggets. they make me not give up. they make me keep fighting. they make me try harder. they are my world. my loves. they look up to me and i am a role model to them. i eat better when i am around bree. i want to show her that eating is a normal part of life. if the two of them ever came to me saying they were engaging in eating disordered behavior, it would break my heart.

i visited baby emma the other day and seeing her made me realize that i am turning 25 soon and i am not getting any younger. i dont want to be struggling with my ED when i am 30, 40, etc. i want more for my life; finish my degree, get married, have children. my PCP and my T have been trying to hit home telling me that these things cannot happen with my eating disorder in my life. they are not compatible. in every relationship i have been in, my eating disorder has come first and destroyed the relationship. it became more important and sabotaged each relationship...

i saw my PCP on tuesday and she said my weight had not budged from 3 weeks ago. i did not lose weight, so she would accept that. my BP was sky high (again) and she wants me to monitor it for 2 weeks. i may have to go back on meds for BP. she is worried about my heart because i engage (and previously engaged) in behaviors that effect my heart. my doctor asked "dont you want to be in a relationship, get married and have kids? you know when you get pregnant you have to eat normally and gain weight. would you be okay with that?" of course i would because there would be a little person growing inside of me and my ED would go to the wayside for that unborn child. she said "i dont think you can imagine what it is like to have a child right now. you dont want anything to happen to them, for them to be in pain or suffer. imagine what it is like for your mother and grandmother. they worry about you.." okay, point taken. one of the ONLY reasons i did not lose any weight in 3 weeks was because my PCP said she worries about me and if i will die. i dont want anyone to worry about me...she broke my heart when she said that.

i am finding, especially lately, that i feel a sense of loss and as if i am behind of where everyone else my age is at. i try and tell myself it isnt a race, but that does not negate how i feel. my faceybook constantly is flooded with engagement announcements, wedding photos, and baby pictures. i am NO WHERE there because of my eating disorder. it makes me angry and sad that i have let so much time go by where my it has consumed my every thought, action, and feeling. my eating disorder no longer serves its purpose as it once did. it doesnt necessarily numb out my feelings anymore. it makes me feel emotionally, mentally and physically like shit. it is exhausting and almost a job to loathe myself and my body...

so until i can fight for myself, i will fight because of these two precious girls...

Baby Emma born 7/19/12

Bree & auntie