as always with an eating disorder, body image is the main focus. i have not put on a bathing suit in over two years. this year i consciously decided not to and last year i had surgery/went to renfrew. needless to say, my bikinis have sat in my top drawer untouched.
on mondays, i help my grandparents babysit my niece. in the past (until today) i have had to work overnights until 6 am so i have gone over to my grandparents house at noon to feed my niece lunch and put her down for a nap (since i was up until 6 am i take nap with her).
whenever i am around my niece, i eat semi-well and rounded with her. my gram always makes sure she has protein, starch, fruits and veggies in her meal as well as a sippy cup of milk. it is pretty much what my meal plan would be at IOL in PHP. when i am around my niece, i try to eat as "normal" as possible. i put on my plate what seems like an appropriate portion and clear my plate. if it wasnt for her, i guarantee you, i would fast. i would not eat a morsel. i do NOT want my niece to EVER feel as if she is fat or not worthy of food. so i try and make an example for her.
it is hard to eat lunch with her. i wont deny that. but i push through it, for her. if only she was there for every meal.
normally on mondays, my gram & i have to give her a bath as it is her routine. she is around 3 1/2 so she is getting too big to have a bath in my grams sink which is average size.
i said to her today "do you want to take a bath in the big girl tub?" of course she said no as at my grams house she isnt used to it. so i suggested i put my bathing suit on and go in with her. she agreed.
i drove literally 30 seconds to my house and put on my bathing suit. i have not put on a bikini in so long. i looked in the mirror and was disgusted at what i saw. i kept telling myself "you are doing this for her." that is all i could think of because otherwise i would have thrown the suit across the room and immediately used behaviors.
i was incredibly uncomfortable in my skin wearing very little material. but it was all for the sake of my niece. if it made her feel safe, comfortable, i would do it despite how i felt insecure.
tomorrow night, i am having dinner with someone i have not seen in about 3 years. i am not sure how they will perceive me physically and as a different person personality wise. when we last spoke, i was in a dark place. now, i have grown as a person (not necessarily grown out of my eating disorder) but have become wise. i am scared and afraid what this person will think of me. will they see i am a different person? will they think i am the same party girl i was 3 years ago? will they say i look "great/healthy" and think i have gained weight? who the eff knows. i am just scared to pieces.
i guess this post is about facing things i am scared of. i faced looking at myself in a bikini that is so very tiny and it is about facing someone i have not seen in years. it is about wondering if my eating disorder is still around full force or if i am moving forward.
i will not lie...my body image is off the charts in awful but i am trying to sit with it. thank goodness i see my T tomorrow.
until then...i need to sit with the fear of the unknown..
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