last week i saw my endometriosis specialist because he has been monitoring my thyroid levels. i walked in the exam room and the first thing they do is weigh me (with clothes on of course). i saw the number and freaked out. it was a lot higher than the day previous when i saw my PCP for my weigh in. i tried to put that number out of my head.
i headed into his office and he proceeded to tell me my thyroid levels are getting worse. my TSH level went up by 2 points in one month. of course, he attributes this to my eating disorder. my thyroid all of a sudden over the past year has been acting up and i told him the only thing that has changed in the last year was when i had mirena put in during my surgery. his response? "i highly doubt that as mirena has 1/20th of the amount of hormones that a birth control pill does, which doesnt cause issues with the thyroid gland". welp, forget that idea. he then talked to me about my body image and said "what weight do you want to be at?" seriously dude..do you know NOTHING about eating disorders? my answer? "it depends on what hour you ask me. right now at 11:05 am i want to be X lbs"
he sent my PCP a dictation of notes and in that he saying it is my low weight and malnutrition that is causing my hypothyroidism. why does everyone think that every thing goes wrong with my body is because of this stupid disorder? yes, i realize that it definitely has something to do with my weight but maybe there is another explanation. my T thinks that is me/my disorder finding a loop hole of some kind. quite possibly.
i see my PCP next week and i am so anxious about it. i have not weighed myself since i saw her last because i am petrified that i have gained so much weight. i have been eating (sort of). i feel so incredibly huge. my stomach sticks out as if i am preggers and when i look at recent pictures of myself i feel grotesque.
i hung out with my family yesterday after work to see my new little nugget of a niece. she is perfect. somehow my family got on the topic of weight (i think it was because we were talking about how already one week old she is a good eater) my mom then said how at 1 year old i was only 12 lbs and at 5 years old 25 lbs. yes, i have always been under the charts weight wise, even as an infant. they then asked me how much i weigh now. i tried to avoid the question. but then i told them and no one blinked an eye. they just went on to some other conversation. how is it my PCP says my weight is too low, my BMI is below the normal range but yet my family thinks everything is okay. i hate mixed messages and it is really messing with my negative thoughts. some of those thoughts scare the absolute shit out of me. i think maybe i need to work on some CBT in therapy to reframe my thinking..
my internal dialogue is in the toilet. i cannot tell you how many times i day i beat myself to a pulp about my weight, my self worth etc. i wish this was easier. i dont want to go back to treatment but maybe i need to just to be stabilized? but yet, i wont be there long and it is always the same when i come home..it is up to me. no program can do it for me.
until i see my PCP in 9 days, i just have to hold on and stay afloat. i am dog/house sitting for my cousin this week and my eating disorder has already premeditated to use behaviors.
all i can say is---> this disorder freakin SUCKS.
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