saturday night i was supposed to have a girls night with one of my friends from work. our friendship has been rocky lately and we planned on having time together, just the two of us. i was excited to catch up with her, chat, and have my friend back.
i knew her kiddos would be there but i love them to death so that didnt matter. she then told me her son made a impromtu visit home from nyc and if i minded if he came over. of course i said i dont mind. mamadukes asked if i was having dindin with the family and of course i was planning in my head that if i dont eat with them and i dont eat at my friends, then i wont have to eat at all. welp, that plan failed. my friend said she was cooking a nice italian dindin and to be at her house for 530.
lets just say, this was one of the MOST challenging meals i have had in a very very long time. her son walked in with his girlfriend and my mouth literally dropped. she was so thin. tinier than myself (she is taller but for her height so was thin). of course us in the eating disorder community can spot another person struggling in about 2.5 seconds. we gave each other a look like we knew each other had an eating disorder (especially with my recovery tattoo in sight). immediately my anxiety shot up like a rocket into space.
i was already dreading dindin but now the thoughts of comparison were flying in my head at the speed of light. how much was she going to eat? would she go to the bathroom after? oh, and we are having cake for dessert. will she eat it? deny it?
dinner was finally prepared. i let the young kiddos get served first. then my friend put quite a generous helping of pasta on her eldest sons plate. his girlfriends response? "oh that is a lot. we will definitely share that". theres sign one. i served myself. i will admit it was not nearly enough but ED was yelling at me. when i put the food on my plate i heard my friends son say to his girlfriend "are you okay?". i dont think they thought i heard it. i observed how she ate. i was surprised she ate as much as she did. but boy, she downed her wine even faster. she headed to the bathroom that was right off the kitchen (sign 2 but i didnt hear anything, so i doubt she purged)
it was time for cake. i felt like i had to eat it, since it was her sons birthday and all, and it would look pretty bad if i said no. she and i looked at each other again. awkward much? the whole night i was watching how much she ate. seeing who could do it better (restrict that is). i was so glad when they went home. afterwards, i mentioned it to my friend. she said "you dont think she has an eating disorder do you? well, she has lost a lot of weight since i last saw her". i told her what i thought but i also said i hope to god she isnt going through the same struggles.
my friend and i ended up going to the bar (her boyfriend gave us $50 to go out which was nice of him) we were having so much fun, sang karaoke, and it was just girl time. then all of a sudden i look and her boyfriend shows up. double you tee eff. it was supposed to be GIRLS night. i get that he was our ride home but he showed up at midnight and the bar doesnt close until 2 am. she obviously was texting him telling him what bar we were at. by this time, i was pissed. and if you know me, you dont want to see the wrath of lisa.
i sat there and i just kept drinking beer after beer. when im heated, i tend to drink more. which i understand is not the best solution. the car ride home was silent. i then pretty much went psycho stupid on her. when i get angry like that, you basically cant stop me. its almost as if i see red and am completely out of control. and we all know eating disorders are about control. i use my eating disorder to control my feelings and behavior.
i told my T i get scared when i lash out like that. i was in the anger groups at renfrew but it was virtually impossible to produce anger out of me without actually pissing me off. i didnt really get much out of those groups...maybe i should have?
the entire night was absolutely effed up in SO many ways you have no idea. i wont get into detail about the rest but all i can say is my friendship with this person is very...disfunctional probably is a good word to describe it.
i still a few days later, have no idea what to make of that night. i am still angry about it, but i think if i were to bring it up again, i would be a broken record. what i need to do is take from this experience and learn from it. i need to learn my limits and when i need to be assertive instead of lash out. i have had enough bouts in treatment that i know how to use my voice and use "i statements" i just need to apply it to my daily life. the problem is, i am so used to using my eating disorder as my voice instead of my words. it is familiar to me to use my behaviors to tell someone how i am feeling.
where does that get me? not really anywhere. the only place it gets me is feeling more like shit and destroy my health. it doesnt really hurt the other person. all i am doing is hurting myself.
i think i have rambled on enough. lesson of it all--> maybe i need a punching bag.
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