five years have passed

today marks five years since my world (as i knew it back then) came crashing down. it was the day i left the cape and headed home with my heart shattered in what felt like a million pieces.

by that time, my boyfriend and i had been together for a year and three months. we gave each other promise rings after six months and always said we would get married the summer between my senior year and grad school. because of him and not wanting to risk our relationship, i gave up on the opportunity to study abroad in australia and in turn, lost all of my friends. i was that girl i vow to this day to never be again--that girl who chooses her boyfriend over her friends.

we decided to move in together that june because he spent every summer at the cape. his parents had a place down there and the summer previously he had a job at a local summer camp as well as an internship with the cape cod baseball league. we tried the whole long distance thing the summer of 2006 with us being 4 1/2 hours apart but it took a strain on our relationship. i would sit by the phone waiting to talk to him for maybe 20 minutes (if i was lucky). so in 2007, we decided i would move up there. i left my life here in ct, my family, my friends, everything i knew and moved to a place where i didnt know anyone. i guess you could look at it as a fresh start?

i somehow found a full time job at a little ice cream shop [i had experience from the year and a half at the one back home] and an internship with south bay mental health center in their partial hospitalization program. between the two, i was working 60+ hours. i did all the cooking, cleaning, went to the laundramat, grocery shopping, etc. i tried to depict myself as the "perfect" house wife. i felt like i needed to do it all. i needed to show him, his parents, and everyone else that i could be what they wanted me to be. a cookie cutter stepford wife cut out. it was tiring after awhile.

after we moved in together our relationship changed drastically. we got into fights in the past, but our fights were more heated after moving in. he was always verbally/emotionally abusive and it only got worse. he wanted to party all the time and we rarely got to spend time together at the cape. his friends became his priority. he accused me of cheating numerous times (i could NEVER cheat on anyone and NEVER will). 

i remember that night distinctly. i remember what i was wearing (i was at work so obviously my uniform). we were supposed to go to a party after i got out of work at 11. i had called him to get directions to this kids house. he decided at 10 pm that he didnt want me to go, he wanted it to be a boys night. i was pissed because i could have made other plans and i dont like things changing especially last minute. he then screamed at me about how i was a bitch, a whore, every name in the book and that when he returned in the morning i better be out of his house. click. he hung up.

i was in the back room hysterically crying. how could someone i loved so much hurt me so badly? i told my boss i needed to go home. he said "okay. go home, decompress. i will see you in the morning". i said "no i need to go HOME. home as in ct". i was one of his 2 full timers. i left the poor guy without someone to fill my shifts but i didnt have a choice.

i headed back to the house crying (crying isnt even the word) and was on the phone with my cousin. she insisted i needed to come home that clearly our relationship wasnt healthy and she (along with many others) was afraid of what he would do next, if he would physically hurt me. my roommate to be [in 2009] remembers one particular night that he and i were fighting and she honestly thought he was going to physically abuse me, thank god he didnt] i packed up my belongings, threw them in my car, and started driving. by that time it was 1230 am. i remember driving over the bridge and it felt like i was looking down at myself. like it wasnt real. i arrived at my cousins house around 430 am. i had a wedding shower to attend the next morning. that was the last thing i wanted to do--celebrate someone getting married when i was broken hearted and the guy i thought i would marry dumped me to the wayside.

for two weeks i laid in bed, crying my head off. i couldnt eat. i was emotionally full. i was throwing up every time i was awake. my body was physically reacting to the depression and anxiety. i lost a lot of weight in that 2 weeks. it is when my eating disorder really took over my life and my life hasnt been the same since.

it has been 5 years since then. it took me about 3 years to move on from that relationship. i still think about him and he will always have a place in my heart. he was my first for many things, especially my first love. to this day, i still cant listen to our song. it is too painful. i pawned the jewelry last year that he gave me (it was sitting in a box and i would never wear it again). i havent been the same since august 19, 2007. that one night forever changed me. those feelings of worthlessness that i felt in that very moment still haunt me to this day.

this weekend is a HUGE trigger for me. it may have been 5 years calender wise but in my head it seems like it wasnt long ago. he is now in a relationship [i know via faceybook] and seems happy. i somehow still miss him despite how shitty he treated me. 

i just will need a lot of support to get through this weekend..no matter how much time has passed, this day still is in the back of my mind..this year i am busy with a baptism and unforunately, a wake, however i know that it will be EXTREMELY difficult in every sense possible.

i just need to reach out to those supports right now...