since february, i have been a "role model" for eating disorder recovery when i spoke for NEDA week as well as fundraising for my team to walk CT's first NEDA walk in september. the pressure has been intense and i obviously have caved under it.
the other night, i received a faceybook message from someone i knew in college. he asked "you do a lot of work with eating disorders, right?" i told him i dont work with people with eating disorders i have one. he began to tell me how he thinks he might have an eating disorder. oh boy, here we go. i am the "poster girl" for eating disorders and now apparently the one people go to for advice? that cannot be.
i asked if his therapist was aware of his concern and he said that she didnt think it was serious. i asked him a serious of other questions about behaviors/thoughts/feelings. i got the feeling he is dealing with disordered eating rather than an eating disorder...BUT i am obviously not a professional. i mentioned many times he needs to talk to his therapist about this...he agreed.
this makes me think...how can i be of service to others struggling when i am struggling myself?? i cannot. my mind is consumed with nothing but thoughts of food, how to avoid it, how to get rid of it whether it is through downing myself in pills or seeing the inside of a toilet and the number on the scale.
it brings to light that i am in no way whatsoever in recovery and not in the mental state i was back in february where i was being "inspirational" as many people have told me. i dont see myself as being "strong" or "inspirational"..i simply just...am a girl who struggles.
You can be strong, inspirational, AND a girl who struggles. FIGHT it, girl. All is not lost just because you're struggling. You are not your struggles. You are an amazing, beautiful, accomplished woman with a lot to be proud of. Don't let your eating disorder define you. While it's not your job to be other people's (not your client's) therapists, you absolutely should be able to hold your head high and walk in the knowledge that while you have an eating disorder, you are much more than that. Don't use slipping up as an excuse to beat yourself up. Recovery is a lot of hard work, and we all sometimes slide backwards. But keep standing up, keep admitting that you need help, and value yourself enough to keep trying. I pray for you every day, and I know you will get through these rough times. Don't get down on yourself-- you're a great gift to this world, struggles or not. Sending lots of love and hugs your way <3 KEEP FIGHTING.
ReplyDeleteEveryone who fights is inspirational, but I see what you mean.
ReplyDelete/Avy
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