it has been almost a year (it will be july 15th) since i was admitted back to renfrew in 2011. i was lost, frail, consumed with my addictions, and not the person people knew me as. i was combative, angry, and only cared about numbing myself out whether it was with my eating disorder or anything else i could figure out. i worked my ass off in treatment for 3 weeks. i ate EVERY meal, snack, and supplement that my nutritionist ordered. i lost count after 33.
i have made strides since i left renfrew in august. i maintained my weight for the most part (until recently that is), i spoke at a high school in long island for NEDA week, and i have been working through some of the core issues with my T that are at the root of my eating disorder.
as i said, i have maintained my weight, well within a couple pounds or so, since i left IOP in september. but the past 2 weeks or so, i cannot say that i have not been completely obsessed with my weight. i wake up and the first thing i have to do is step on that scale. i have to make sure that number hasnt changed (well gone up) since the day prior. if it has, my entire day is ruined. i downloaded an app that you can record what you eat, your current weight, and goal weight..which is not necessarily good for someone with an eating disorder. i am counting calories and making sure i dont eat more than X amount of calories a day. limiting what goes into my body.
in the past 2 weeks i have only lost a few pounds. but those few pounds and feeling of emptiness is exhilarating.
i saw my PCP yesterday for the first time in 5 months. she asks how i am doing i say "i am fine" we all know what fine means. the nurse first weighed me and it took her 3.5 seconds. i weighed myself in the morning so i know what she got was not accurate. needless to say, my doctor made me get in a gown and get weighed a second time.
when i told my doctor what my weight was this morning she gave me that look. that disappointing, you spent so much time & money at renfrew you know what to do look. she began to back my eating disorder in a corner and we all know it doesnt like that. she wasnt lecturing me but she kept saying "i worry about you". she said that if i lose "too much more" which of course she didnt tell me what that means number is, then she will have no choice but to put me back IP. she said "i have all the renfrew paperwork it wouldnt be that hard" i know she is confronting my eating disorder and it is out of care and concern. she asked me if i can feel myself getting back to that point of having to go back into the hospital and i answered honestly: yes. i feel like i am starting to get out of control. since no one is monitoring my weight, she wants to see me more regularly, so i will be seeing her in 3 weeks.
at the end of my appointment i said "thank you" and my doctor said "that must be your manners on automatic saying thank you because i know you arent really thankful towards me right now and thats okay" she was so right. i am thankful but my eating disorder? not so much.
needless to say, even after that appointment, i have been obsessing over my weight, body, and restricting as much as i can. all i hear in my head is "fat ugly stupid bitch. fat ugly stupid bitch" it never stops. the cravings for food that i cant eat are becoming more frequent and stronger. but my eating disorder wont let me have those foods.
i feel lost and like i am beginning to go down that slippery slope. and fast. help.
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