saturday the 9th was the renfrew reunion. i left for philly at 10pm after my shift at work. the drive was long and i was exhausted by the 130. luckily, my cousin now lives in philly so i stayed with her- i didnt get there until 230 am.
i woke up at 630 am and got ready. my stomach was in knots as i was nervous. the reunion started at 830 am.
i got there and registered, they gave us an itinerary for the day which included a bunch of groups. they also gave us each a grounding stone that said "serenity" on it
i saw lisa c. (2011) and i chatted with her and her mother for a bit. i then saw debbie and tamara (2008). tamara and i decided that we wanted to go to the cemetery after the reunion to see julia.
the first group i went to was community meeting. robin (my therapist) was the group facilitator which was the deciding factor in which group i would choose. the group lasted over an hour and after, robin came over and asked how i have been. i sort of embellished how "well" i have been doing but for the most part was honest.
the second group was called "voices of recovery" it was 2 women, newly in recovery, who told their stories. both stories were so inspiring and one woman was on the today show at some point.
then it was time for lunch (joy). i already felt like the fattest girl there. i stupidly wore shorts and a tank top. the one outfit that would show every ounce of fat on my body. a lot of girls looked so thin; collarbones protruding out. eating was the LAST thing i wanted to do but i forced myself because i wanted to do what is best for my recovery. i had 1/2 of a tomato basil and fresh mozz sandwich along with some fruit salad & a diet coke. a lot of girls ate but their were some who walked around, with a diet coke in their hand, refusing to eat. its like, if you arent in recovery, look frail, and are planning on using behaviors why are you here? i guess it is like a sick competition..like if they came they could see if they were the skinniest girl there...
the final group was "back to the basics" which reminded you of the basic coping skills you learn in treatment. it was like a "crash course" in recovery.
the day ended with a mindfulness meditation. i said goodbye to all of my friends and tamara and i headed to the cemetery.
driving through center city is AWFUL. i had my gps tell me where to go, but i also had tamara following me. we got to the cemetery and it was hard to find julias grave; there were SO many bernstein's. we finally found it. i started crying. my makeup was running down my cheeks. seeing her headstone made it real that is really is gone. i didnt go to the funeral and this is almost 3 years later. tamara put one of the "serenity" stones on top of her headstone. so many thoughts were going through my head. what were her last thoughts before she jumped? did she leave a note? it made it a reality that this disease kills people, whether through medical complications or suicide. she was only 16 and she was wise beyond her years.
i left and headed back to my cousins. we chatted, had dinner (eating was the LAST thing i truly wanted to do) and watched a movie. i headed to bed at 10 pm because my eyes were very heavy from crying and i just couldnt stand to be awake and think any longer. the next morning i headed back home. it took me 4 hours to get home and i couldnt wait to go and sleep. to escape the reality i had faced during the weekend.
it was nice to see some people, others not so much. i needed to go and get closure for jewls. i will fight for myself and for her...
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