lies

lying. it is so easy to do but after awhile it catches up to you and bites you in the ass. we often think "white lies" are so innocent because they arent hurting anyone. they simply are omitting some of the truth.

lying to others is completely exhausting. after one lie you have to think up another lie to cover that one. and another to cover up that one. need i say more? after awhile, you cant keep any of them straight. you cant remember what you told who and it is a complete hot mess.

when asked how i am doing i usually say "fine". well...we know what fine means. fucked up neurotic and emotional. and people around me now (thanks to renfrew) know what that means.

i have been lying to others around me for the past, well i dont know how long. i have been sneaky, lying, and manipulative. i have been hiding behaviors, things i do, and somehow getting away with it. i have become a pro (and i am NOT proud of that) it is beyond exhausting to keep up the charade. i am lying to others but more so, i am lying to myself.

tomorrow i am seeing my PCP for a regular weight check up. if you read my post a few posts back, you know my last appt didnt go so well. i am very nervous. my weight is ehhh. it isnt as bad as it was 3 weeks ago, but my behaviors arent any better.

my dilemma--> do i be honest with her about what is going on? or do i lie straight to her face? she confronted my eating disorder last time and it didnt feel good. i am afraid that if i am honest with her, which is very difficult due to shame, then i am 90% sure i will land back in the hospital. do i want to go back to treatment? not really. right now, i dont have any friends and the friends i DO have, i have been blowing off and dipping out on plans. my eating disorder is the most faithful relationship i have and i dont think right now i can give that up. 

this is something i need to sleep on and hopefully i will come to a conclusion in the morning. le sigh...

...