another doctor update

as i mentioned in my post yesterday, today was my appt with my PCP to check my weight. i woke up with enough time to shower and make myself look presentable. i started to drive the 45 minutes and my anxiety was rising. i knew this appt wouldnt be so good. i had been anticipating it for weeks now.

the first thing they do is weight me. joy. i go in and change into a gown and i walk down the narrow hallways to the scale in the xray room. the nurse says "step on" so i do. faced front of course (trying to be slick) she says "turn around". crap. i was weighed and headed the the exam room to get dressed.

my dr walks in. there is that look...again. she says "im sorry you are here." huh? i know that look. my weight isnt good (that isnt much of a surprise as you can guess). she said i was so very close to being put back inpatient. she then talked to me about my intake, what has been going on, triggers, what i talk about with my therapist etc.

she said "you know that people with eating disorders die all the time. i am sure you have come across that within your travels in treatment"... "am i going to see your name in the newspaper soon, doing something not good..your name in the obituary?" i immediately shook my head no. she is worried about me. i can see it in her face. she is one of those doctors who wears her heart on her sleeve. i told her that dying doesnt really scare me, because lately it doesnt but it hits home that people i work with or people who love me are in fear of this in fact reality..that the end of this disease could be death. i was honest with her about what has been going on, not because i wanted to or was will full, it was because she asked the right questions..

she asked me in 3-5 years what are my goals and where do i see myself. i gave her the full "i want to go back to school, get my degree, be in a committed relationship and have my own place" answer. it is all true but i know what they all want to hear so i can recite it so easily. she just like my T said all of that will not happen with my eating disorder consuming me the way it is. they act like i dont know this already.

she and i talked at length about how she doesnt feel like seeing her is helping me. she doesnt want to waste her time or mine. ive heard this too many times from professionals. i understand where they are coming from and feel helpless but i feel like shit for making them feel that way. we agreed i would see her in 3 weeks and see where i am at.

she left the room and said "there are only 3 people i want to see gain weight..you are one of them. the other two are infants" i replied "comparing me to infants? thats great..." she said..."well the behavior matches". candid. but she has a point.

i left there almost in tears. i am so angry at myself for getting to this place again. but not angry enough to make it stop. before i left i told her i would gain weight by the next time i see her but couldnt guarantee it would be much. i guess thats a start, right??

today i went back to my gyno after a THIRD set of lab work. my thyroid is still not working right. in his words "it has gotten worse" within a month. he contributes this to...well you guess...yup you got that right, my weight. he decided he does not want to treat it with medication because he is afraid it will be working against my body and my body wanting to conserve as much energy as possible. so i left there with..no answers other than--> gain weight.

if they all could realize if it was that simple i would have done it years ago...

 i treated today as if it was a new day. i ate as much as i could and yes of course, i feel like shit about it. i feel like a whale. blubber. piece of shit. the past 2 days have been hell but i am trying to take things hour by hour. that is all i can do..