reunion in two weeks...

in about two weeks i will be heading to renfrew in philly. [calm down, NOT as a patient this time]. it is the annual renfrew reunion. a weekend devoted to past residents to reunite with old friends and attend groups.

the last time i went to the reunion was in 2009. i was staying with one of my dear friends from the frew & we didnt show until 12. we only stayed for a short time as it was beyond triggering. a lot of the girls there looked like they should be patients again. emaciated. engaging in behaviors and rituals right then and there.

i remember pulling onto the premises that day. my heart was in my throat as i approached the exit ramp. i drove on roads that were so familiar as i drove on them for the 3 out of the 5 weeks i was a patient. i pulled into the driveway. there was the sign that said "The Renfrew Center". tears welled up in my eyes. the anxiety made my stomach do flips and go upside down, sideways. the last time i was on this campus i was in one of the worst places in my life. i was waking up at 5 am to get weights and vitals. i was eating things i have NEVER eaten before. getting physically sick [throwing up involuntarily] because my body was re-feeding...in over 10 years my body had never come in contact with so much food. i was now walking on this campus as a "former resident". the term "former" was hard to swallow as i was not doing well in recovery.

i walked up and saw a lot of familiar faces. i was greeted with many hugs from people i genuinely loved and cared about. girls i formed a bond with in 5 weeks that will last a lifetime. girls who understand what i am going through without saying a word. i reunited with some of my favorite staff and i took a lot of pictures. but i could not ignore the girls who looked like they should be re-admitted. the girls whose bones protruded from their bodies. the girls who were sitting there picking their meal apart bit by bit. i tried to put it out of my mind that i wish i was still in that place. my friend and i left about 30 minutes after we arrived because we were so triggered.

i fear it will be the same this year. i expect girls to not be in the best place. that some girls will be entrenched in their eating disorder in the same manner [or worse] than when they were patients. but i also expect some girls to be doing fabulous and kicking ED's ass. 

what i witnessed from one woman this past summer is beyond amazing. she was admitted the same day as i was. she was in a wheel chair, one of the sickest and emaciated people that suffer from ED that i have ever seen...and i have seen people die in front of my eyes [literally]. when she and i were admitted, she could barely hold a sentence. she was a walking corpse. she had no mind or opinion. she was her eating disorder. every word and action was ED at his best. somehow (i dont know how) she finished EVERY single meal. her meal plan must have been HUGE yet she managed to hold her own and eat it all. within 2 weeks her personality was shining. she was funny. she was caring. more so, she was ALIVE. this just shows how much ED takes away from us.

i am simply afraid that in 2 weeks, i will be faced with many triggers. things that will fuel my eating disorder and spiral me downward more so than i have been since february. but i am excited to see the girls and women who understand me. 

point blank...

i. am. scared.