my best friend & i are going out. as we do most saturday nights. i struggle to figure out which outfit to wear. we are going to a bowling alley for her 23rd birthday but i feel as i should "dress up". i choose an outfit after changing more than three times. she facebook messages me saying she is going casual with shorts and a sweatshirt.
clothes are flying around my room. there are hangers, shirts, and tank tops all over the place. i cannot decide what to wear. nothing looks "right" on me. my stomach sticks out. my thighs look too big. the space between my thighs, calfs, and ankles are not enough. the bra i am wearing doesnt make my boobs look big enough. nothing i put on satisfies me. i finally decide on an outift. a cute tank and jean shorts. i am not necessarily happy with the choice but it will do.
i drive forty minutes to the bowling alley as she lives across the river. i greet her with a huge hug and give her the birthday present i bought her. we give each other a bottle of wine for our birthdays. i then ask her what size her shorts are. BIG mistake. she says X size. i immediately say "mine are X bigger than yours. i obviously am fatter than you are. my hips are bigger" my eating disorder is fuming.
the size she claims her shorts are, i can barely get past my thighs. i must be the "fatter" friend. it immediately sends my eating disorder in a tizzy. i NEED to lose weight. my weight has basically maintained since i was in IOP 8 months ago. to my eating disorder that is unacceptable.
i know that maintaining my weight at X lbs is a good thing for my recovery. BUT i still engage in behaviors which is mind boggling. how can i still be engaging in certain behaviors yet the number on the scale barely budges?
tonight my body image is BEYOND awful. when i look in the mirror or even dont, i see someone who looks preggers. my stomach (which is the part of my body that i focus the most on) is huge. it is distended. i try and bring myself back to reality. that it is bloated because i ate dinner (not brekkie or lunch) along with fluids. but that is not enough. i simply see fat. that i am getting bigger, wider, and taking up more space than i should.
my eating disorder is beginning to take advantage as much as it can and i cannnot seem to stop it. i dont want to take up "space" i want to be silent. to be small. to be invisible. but at the same time i want to be FREE.
Focus on your desire for FREEDOM. You deserve better than the eating disorder. I'm struggling with body image, too, and my team assures me it is the last to go. It SUCKS and is totally unfair, but we will get there, love. You are a beautiful girl, and I wish you could see that but I have faith that someday you will. For now, you just need to trust that you are not fat, that your team has your best interests at heart with keeping you at a healthy weight, that you deserve to be nourished and healthy. Sending lots of love and prayers your way <3
ReplyDelete