endometriosis

for most girls, we remember our first period. the pain, the uncomfortableness of wearing a pad that feels like a diaper and a tampon that could be scary to insert, and sometimes the embarrassment.

i remember my first period as if it was yesterday despite it being 12 years ago. i will spare you the details..you will thank me.

throughout my adolescence, every month i endured the most horrendous pain imaginable. i would curl up into a ball, holding my knees to my chest, crying and screaming so loud that the neighbors could hear. i was at my gyno left and right trying to figure out how to decrease the level of my pain. some months i would be at a 5 on a pain scale, others i would be a 20 out of 10. i was put on pain killers, muscle relaxers. you name it.

when i was 13, one year into my "women hood" i was placed on birth control. a tiny pill i had to take every single day at the same time to regulate my period. i was diligent. if i missed my dose it would be by the hour. but my body was stubborn. it would "rebel" in any way it could which meant if i missed my dose by the hour, i would get my period.

the next 5 years were pure hell. birth control after birth control. i tried the shot (depo provera) which made me have my period for 7 months straight. i remember going to a club that was 17+ in my senior year in high school and leaving early because i was light headed from dancing..all because i was losing blood and was most likely anemic. my doctor was running out of options. based upon the results of everything and my symptoms, she decided i needed to endure surgery to diagnose me with endometriosis. (it is too complicated to explain so google it?) it was concluded i had endometriosis. and a severe case. because of it, my appendix was going to burst at any moment. i was referred to a fertility specialist who specializes in endometriosis. he was ranked #1 in the nation.

i had my second surgery 2 weeks before i entered college..

after my surgery, my symptoms were lessened. i was still getting my period but 1/4 of the amount of pain. i was put on birth control after birth control (again) because i was getting "breakthrough bleeding" and for almost 6 years my pain was manageable. it wasnt until 2010 or 2011 that my symptoms were coming back. we had discussed a million different options..

it was concluded i needed a 3rd surgery and reviewed the options. i had to take a week off from work as i learned from the previous times it took a while to recover. they cleaned out more endometriosis. oh and i had a polyp. it was benigne thank goodness. we decided mirena (an IUD) to stop the growth. i am sure you have seen the commercials. it is the little V looking device that prevents pregnancy upto 5 years. i had that inserted..literally 2-3 weeks before i went inpatient for my eating disorder.

i have had the breakthrough bleeding on and off, but my pain has almost lessened to a  0. my doctors are trying to figure things out with symptoms i am having since but overall my symptoms are manageable.

i will get to the point of this post--> having mirena has brought on A LOT of side effects. i do not get my period and am on hormone replacement therapy patches twice a week because my estrogen level is well below normal and i already have osteoporsis. i have hot flashes like a 50 year old woman in menopause.i wear layers and depending on the minute or hour, i am peeling them off or loading them on...among other embarrassing things that i will withhold. i feel like i am less of a woman. like i am an adolescent that has not gone through puberty yet. my eating disorder revels in the bliss of this "idea"  because it wants to keep me at that "little girl" physique. i do not have big boobs by anything imaginable. i buy my bras in the girls section. you have no idea how embarrassing it is as a 24 year old to walk into the girls section and purchase a bra without much padding and "cute" designs. forget sexy bras completely.  i do not get my period AT ALL so i am less of a woman and down the road may not be able to bear children because of this disease and it CAN cause infertility which is my dream in life. all because of a disease i have no control over.

i have shed so many tears thinking "why me. why me?" for the past 12 years i have been through hell and back with my gynecological issues. i have heard horror stories with this disease but i keep thinking i have the best doctors on my case. my body continues to stump them as they say each time i go in the office. but maybe JUST MAYBE i will make a difference in research with my case.

i need to remind myself i am a person. my diseases do not define who i am..and i AM  a woman.