endometriosis part deux

recently i wrote a post about endometriosis, a disease i struggle with. i was put on hormone replacement therapy a few months because the IUD i have can break down your bones and i already have osteoporosis. 

the hormone replacement therapy has not really helped with some of the symptoms i experience (again, i will spare you details) so i called my specialist back in february. they did bloodwork and increased the dosage of my estrogen patch. i tried this new dose for a month now and...nothing. nothing has changed. same symptoms, no better no less. after my surgery this month last year, i now know how menopausal women deal with. the hot flashes are so intense that i wear layers to work..in june.

so i called my doctor last week and explained what my symptoms were. they wanted me to come in because they have "exhausted all of our ideas" great. just what someone wants to hear. 

i went into my appointment today with a ridiculous amount of anxiety. what does it mean they have exhausted all their ideas? is there no hope? are they giving up? does everything have to come out sooner rather than later? it is an uneasy feeling going into a doctors office not knowing what you will face.

they did an ultrasound, which they do EVERYTIME i go in. it is not the most comfortable thing. they said everything looks good. the IUD is in place, where it should be. my ovaries look "beautiful" as my doctor says. then the nurse brought me into my doctors office to talk about the plans.

he said everything looks good but... i dont like the word but. based upon my symptoms and the fact that my estrogen level was 40 in february when i was on the replacement therapy, he thinks that my ovaries are no longer producing estrogen. AND that my pituitary gland levels are low as well. what does he think is causing this??? my weight. he said "do you know what people no longer produce estrogen?" i said "menopausal women" he said "yes, and people who are too thin" i felt a lump in my throat, holding back my tears. he then said "i am assuming you dont plan on gaining weight. i think that would help" i had to remind him i have an eating disorder..he then grilled me about what i had eaten so far and what i would eat for the rest of the day. i hate being grilled. i lied..ed made me lie.

so all in all, my eating disorder has AGAIN damaged my body. i do not know if this is permanent but now i am not producing estrogen or the necessary hormones. i am enraged with myself that i have done this to myself. because as much as this addiction is NOT a choice, i have chosen to continuously engage in behaviors. as angry as i am at myself and ed...i went to him for comfort. i am at a loss for words...