how do you know?

how will I know I’ve reached the point where I can honestly say, “I no longer have an eating disorder?”  what are the criterion for absolute recovery, for achieving Recovered Status?  because even thought the behavior might not be there, my mind is still a constant hamster wheel.  and that has to count (discount?) for something.  but how much?  how do I know?  when do I know?  who’s call is it?  am I ever going to have the definite answer I’m looking for? there is no convenient sobriety date for my eating disorder.  a day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about taking diuretics, diet pills, purging or restricting.  usually, I can’t even make it through a day without some sort of eating disordered behavior.  and if the behavior isn’t there, the incessant thinking is.  the number mill in my brain, the bargaining I do with myself, the constant internal dialogues between my anorexic jekyll and hyde,

I could go months without seeing the inside of a toilet bowl or popping a pill and would still never consider myself recovered.  recovery, for all of the wonder and awe it inspires, can not be like this.  I refuse to believe that I have fought this long and this hard to come to find that the end prize is this. because this is not a prize.  this is not a life, dammit.  this is…merely existing.  and not even doing that well, or at the very least, with any zeal.

and I guess I’m left right where I began: wondering.  what does recovery look like, what does it feel like, how do you know you’re there?  does one ever get there–will *I* ever find myself there?