i am slowing spiraling downhill, as i have many times. it is scary. my disordered thoughts have been consuming my every moment of every day. i thought i had an okay grip on reality. the kind of grip when you are hanging from from the uneven bars. when that grip is letting go and the chalk is coming off your hands, you begin to fall off. it is sort of like that.
i am scared that things have taken a turn. yet, i am excited (as sick as that sounds). one of my friends from treatment has gotten so very ill. i do know how much she weights (she posts it on her secret tumblr) along with whats been happening medically. i love her so much. she is my little sister and i want to protect her. my heart is heavy that such a sweet and beautiful soul is suffering inside.
yet..i am jealous. jealous that she has been able to "achieve" that body i long for. that fragility, thin skin, dizzy kind of living. i know this is my disorder talking, i truly do. but yet i cant see to make it shut up. it is beginning to take over me. i miss when i was that fragile, that sick.
today more so than ever lately, i feel enormous. i went to a store to buy some shorts for summer and i tried on my normal size. the button wouldnt even get close to buttoning. you have got to be kidding me. so i tried 2 more pairs on but a different brand. the same thing happened. i immediately took them off, put my jeans back on, and all of a sudden i felt my world crashing down. i began to sob. i have failed my eating disorder. i have gained so much weight i cannot fit in the shorts i want. the space between my thighs is getting smaller. how did this happen? i will spare you of what i did next...
i see my T tomorrow (thank goodness) and i have to be honest about how i am doing. i am suffering so much. my emotional pain is becoming unbearable. i am so lonely and depressed; isolating and not wanting to see anyone. i am left sitting here wondering..how did i get back to this place?
It's hard. I have been struggling with the same thing for the past few weeks. I went up a size and thought I would lose my mind. You have come a long way. And right now you are in a lull point. You have been a source of inspiration for me. Just take it a moment at a time. I have found that more than that will consume you.
ReplyDeleteFight back, Lisa. You are strong, and you have worked so hard to get where you are. Body image sucks, but it's not reality. You are a beautiful girl, and every time you give into the eating disorder, it tries to convince you otherwise but all that is is lies. I know what it's like to miss the disorder because it keeps you company in a way, but it's a sick kind of company that just ends up making you miserable. Remember that, that as much as the eating disorder promises it will make the lonely and depressed feelings go away, it only makes them worse. You can get through this, love. Please let me know if you need anything. <3 <3 <3 Sending lots of love and prayers your way. I believe in you.
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