insight.

i finally started chipping at the wall i put up the other day in T. i talked about my childhood and how my dad not being a part of life has effected me. he left my mom and i when i was 3 years old. my whole life i never really heard from him. no birthday cards or christmas presents. a phone call once in a great while. he had 2 children from his previous marriage. my half brother when he got older was gods gift on earth because he joined the marines. my half sister was the rebel whom he had to keep reins over. i was that child that was tossed aside like a piece of trash.

i have always been underweight and under the charts my entire life. when i was about 4 years old i was considered failure to thrive. as i think more about it, i honestly think my eating disorder started 21 years ago. my T came up with the idea that people in my life, including my father, have tossed me to the curb and deserted me. so i internalized that and in turn, "desert" my body by damaging it and harming it. i would do anything to harm myself and that is just the thing..i was hurting MYSELF. only i am the one to blame and that is never shameful.

to me, anorexia is all i have ever known. yes, people eat lunch but to me, this is just the way it is. the way it has always been. my eating disorder is by my side constantly. when i have dinner with my family, my eating disorder without a doubt has a seat at the dinner table. it is like that little gremlin sitting on my shoulder..telling me not to eat, that if i enjoy the food then that means i am "bad". i would love to be able to eat and enjoy it without having the intense sense of guilt. i see people eating and i am jealous because that is just it..they CAN eat. little kids naturally eat, they dont really think about it. it is interesting to observe, actually.

in the past week or so, i have gained quite a bit of insight into why my eating disorder has been around for so long and why i developed it in the first place. when someone asks me to describe myself i usually say i am funny, sarcastic, caring..anorexic. i am NOT anorexia. i am a person who struggles with anorexia. there is a big difference. i have to start thinking that way.

i hope that with each day i am able to have insight into why i am the way that i am and be able to let go, just a little bit, with each day..baby steps.