chaos.

i am sitting on my bed and looking around my room. what do i see? clothes on top of boots on top of purses on top of binders, blankets, the other bed, and papers galore. it is utter chaos in my bedroom. i stop to think...my room truly reflects what my life is like. sometimes it is clean and things are put in order, even in an OCD fashion and sometimes it looks like an atomic bomb went off. right now it is obviously the latter of the two.

i am feeling a sense of instability and uncertainty in my life. i was just offered a new job today and i will take the opportunity. a new job, new agency, whole new ball game. people say i should be excited. i am scared shitless. afraid to fail, afraid i wont like it, afraid of well..everything. it isnt exactly what i want to be doing for my career but it is a stepping stone. another big agency in the field to put on my resume. with this change happening it brings up so much. i hate change (as most of us do). it is unsettling, unfamiliar, and not comfortable. starting a new job means there is absolutely no way i can end up in the hospital again...i wont have the time. which scares me because will i be able to keep this momentum for that long?

my personal life is just as chaotic. a daily roller coaster filled with ups and downs twists and even some loops. my mind is spinning on a constant basis thinking of literally 500 things all at once, never slowing down.

ed is taking full advantage of this vulnerability. he is sneaking in his sly comments at every chance. every bite i take saying how i dont deserve to eat, how fat i am getting, how i am a horrible person for enjoying a morsel of food or how i need him/he makes everything better. i am trying my damnedest to not give in to him. he lies, he is a manipulator and ultimately lands me in the hospital fighting for my life.

i need to sift through all of this chaos piece by piece and not let my eating disorder win. that is the ultimate goal. it is overwhelming and feels unachievable. somehow, i will get through this. this too shall pass.