body image. not the REAL issue.

the clinical director of one of the tx centers i have been to used to say that when we focus on our body and body image, it really isnt about that. there is an underlying core issue and we choose to focus on our bodies, weight, and size in order to cope with those feelings. it is not about the number on the scale. that number means nothing. it does not define you. but instead, seeing that number, no matter how low or high, can make or break our day. we give our power and control to this piece of metal with springs in it.

tonight, i am focusing on my body image in so many ways. i look in the mirror and all i see is how much bigger i have gotten and the parts of my body i want to change. there is a scale here at work and i managed to stop myself from getting on it tonight. in part because i am terrified. terrified if i look, i will freak out or begin a downward spiral.

i am trying to process my thoughts and feelings because it isnt about my body. that is the tangible thing i am focusing on. my thoughts and feelings about myself manifest themselves into my eating disorder.

i am crawling out of my skin and i am sitting with that feeling. it isnt pleasant (especially after i ate all of my dinner). it is one step closer in my recovery. one step closer to happiness and freedom.

i want that freedom..freedom from the bondage of self loathing and hatred..