withdrawing.

i had another chance. another chance to get things right. another chance at working towards my masters degree. i am a little less than halfway through the semester and i am slowly drowning. i feel like the water is all around me, my nose is just at the tippety top and i am gasping for air.

my weight has been declining (or only stabilized for 2 weeks at a time) since oct. and it has declined rapidly in the past 2 weeks. i have multiple stressors going on and i seem to go back to the one familiar thing that i know will make me feel better. take "make me feel better" with a grain of salt because we all know that starving our bodies actually make us feel like shit. i am tired ALL the time. i dont want to get out of bed and do the things i want to do. i am weeks behind in school work. i like my internship but dont at the same time.

it saddens me to see my peers excited about graduation in may and they are receiving their caps and gowns now. i look at myself and think what a failure i am. that could be me but yet i let my anorexia take over...again. i am considering withdrawing for the semester instead of being on a forced medical leave. 1. because then the choice becomes MINE and i will feel more empowered and 2. i know it is what is best for me. my health comes first. without that, i cant do anything.

I talked to my mom the other day about how badly i am struggling. I told her that either I make the decision now or it will be made for me by the end of the week. I expressed to her that my health is the most important thing and without my health, I will not be able to succeed in school or life for that matter. She lashed out in anger (of course) and made comments that were very hurtful. She basically said that she is always the last to know things and that my treatment team is in "control" of her life and money because they are suggesting I withdraw. As I predicted, money was her main issue and I stuck to the fact that my health is important and I am making a decision that is best for me. She told me that if I withdraw completely, she will not sign her name to another loan and that her opinion doesn't matter because the decision has already been made. She said that she is a logical person and this does not seem logical to her at all. I tried to explain to her that eating disorders are a mental illness and to a healthy rational person, they seem irrational. She continued to state that I have been to multiple programs and I "know what to do" I just need to do it. I told her I have given her multiple resources and that unfortunately, she may never understand the struggle I go through on a day to day basis. I told her where I am at weight wise and it seemed to have a small effect on her but not much as she was perseverating on finances. The conversation did not end well and I was in hysterics for a few hours.

Afterwards, I called my ex (as she suffers from an ED as well) and vented to her as she has been in a similar situation for many years and still is to a point. In the middle of that conversation, my mother called me back crying stating that she feels like she hasn't been a good mother and hasn't raised me right in the last 23 years. That broke my heart; cue guilt. By that time, I was drained, mentally and emotionally, so I decided to end the conversation and try to go to bed. My mother texted me this morning while I was grabbing coffee to make sure I was awake to go to my internship. She apologized and said that my health is the most important thing and that she loves me.

I think that deep down she knows that withdrawing from school is the best thing for my health but feels guilty, helpless, and scared. I cannot imagine being a parent watching your child self destruct and basically go through a slow suicide. Today, she seemed a bit more calm (unfortunately, on my way home from my internship I rear-ended a woman's car, which didn't make things any better). I feel like a complete disappointment to my mom and like I keep fucking up one thing after another. I am trying to make the best decision for myself and take responsibility. It is amazing how within a 6 hour time frame yesterday, I felt empowered to completely like a failure.

I am trying to take things moment by moment and my SO is extremely supportive. They are the one person who has been by my side throughout this whole thing believing in me when I don't believe in myself. They is my number one fan.

If I go back to IOL in Hartford, I am going to try and also do the substance abuse program across the hall from the ED ux (I tried last time, but my insurance denied me) because the two go hand in hand. It is amazing how logical and rational I am being...I think I know that I cannot keep living like this forever...because honestly, this isn't living.

the above was written a few days ago..here is an update:

i had a phone session with my nutritionist (as she was sick). i told her my current weight and she was shocked. she said she immediately needed to call the school. after i got off the phone with her, i called the health center and scheduled an appointment. i met with the director today at noon and am voluntarily withdrawing from school. she said if i didnt, i would have had to take a medical leave anyways due to my weight. so i am beginning the process of withdrawing...

i feel like a failure. i feel like i let so many people down. i let myself down. i have been so negative lately and my SO voiced to me today that they sees a change in me, physically and emotionally. i dissociate and shut down. they say that i no longer have that sparkle in my eye; that i am becoming more lifeless day by day. it broke my heart to hear these things. ugh.

i am missing appointments, meetings, and have been late to work. i am so drained and exhausted. i get like 3 hours of sleep tops..sometimes i am up all night.

something has to change. and fast. le sigh.