i am writing this as i am eating my brekkie, a sort of distraction from the food that is in front of me. i am having oatmeal, almonds, milk, and some cheese. i am a glass of OJ before i hit the grocery store at 730.
i am trying to train my body in order to wake up at 5 am beginning in two weeks. i am so very scared to go back to school. i feel like i am in a fishbowl, constantly being monitored. i have at least 2 appts every week and i am already tired of it. my last nutrition appt went well, only because i manipulated the scale (my first time doing so in the past 6 times in treatment). i simply didnt know what to do. i wasnt doing well. i was restricting to the point where my blood sugar was so low that i was shaking constantly. the hunger pains were unbearable, yet they made me feel like i was accomplishing something. i was losing weight, i was getting thin. the one thing i have wanted for so long. my hair isnt as shiny and healthy as it was before. i know that i must nourish my body. it is just so damn hard.
the unhealthy voice in my head has been loud for the past 2 months or so and i know i need to fight it. my ex told me something that really hit me yesterday. "you may be on track but you will get run over if you just sit there." this is so true. i may not be entirely on track, but i need to get there in order to stay in school. yes, right now, external motivations are the only thing keeping me going..or sort of.
yesterday, i had all the intentions of getting up at 8 am and accomplishing so much. i kept hitting the snooze button over and over again. finally at 1030 i woke up. i sat in bed until 12 pm not wanting to get out of bed. not wanting to face the world and the things i had to do. i closed my eyes for a mere 5 minutes and i did not wake until 430. then i slept again until 830. i seemingly was not showing up for life. i keep self-sabotaging myself and it needs to stop. NOW. so far today has been going well. i woke up early, went to the grocery store (because we are getting hit hard with snow tomorrow) and now am eating brekkie. one bite at a time. i want recovery but i dont want anything to do with it. if that makes any sense? i started spiraling out of control when my breakup finally hit me. i was feeling all of these feelings i didnt want to feel. so i began restricting. i felt/feel as if i am not good enough because my ex no longer wants to be with me. we arent healthy for one another. we cant even talk normally because we trigger one another so badly. today is the 3 month mark since i lost the love of my life. i remember that night so vividly. i wish it didnt have to be this way, but it is what it is. and i cannot change it. le sigh.
on a positive note, i challenged myself twice in the past week and i succeeded. i need to keep that in mind. despite all the shitty things going on i need to focus on the present moment. because that is all i have. i cant think about december, because i will just dwell on it constantly.
it has been 25 min and i am not done with my brekkie. i am getting so full but i will finish it. i will because it is good for me.
well enough venting.
i hope you all enjoy your day off (if you get it) tomorrow and stay inside while the snow falls.
love,
lis
Recovery is hard but you seem to be on the right track. Congrats in going back to school. Live in the present and remember the past is the past. My grandmother once told me when something bad happens to ask myself if it will matter in five years. Your breakfast sounded great.
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