i cannot even begin to tell you how heated, angry, and hurt i am right now. my guard is back up which is not so good.
this morning i missed my nutrition appt because i did not hear my alarm. i didnt get home until 1 am from work (as my client is now self-administering a medication and i had to talk to the 12-8 am staff about it). my nutritionist called at 1030. the time of my appointment. i said to myself "shiiiit". i literally put on the closest set of clothes i could find, put my hair in a messy bun, brush my teeth and BOLT out the door because i had my psychiatry appointment at 11 which is 30+minutes away.
on my way to my appt, i texted my ex and stated that i missed my appt and was late to my next one. the response i got was "a friend of yours sent me a facebook message." i said "who and what did it say?" "it asked how to win your heart". there is this guy who will not stop bugging me. he wants to be with me and i have told him MULTIPLE times i am not interested. he was the one that sent the message. i literally called him and ripped him a new asshole. sorry for the language but i am so angry. it was out of line, crossed a HUGE boundary, was disrespectful to my ex and i, and violated my trust. i immediately deleted him from facebook and now my guard is up even higher than it was before. that is my eating disorder. it is so much easier to put up a wall so i am disconnected with others. it is safe. it is predictable. and it is always there.
this is a very big trigger for me. i have been hurt time and time again by so many people, hence the wall i have up and will not let people in. and it happened again. why does this keep happening? i am so very vulnerable right now, trying to hang on as tightly as i can to recovery, and then BAM i am hurt and my trust is broken in people. i feel as if i cant trust anyone..that everyone will hurt me.
i was sitting in my psychiatry appointment in tears. my leg would not stop shaking. i didnt take my valium this morning because i was rushed out the door. i went so far to ask my psychiatrist if he had any..of course he didnt but i was in desperate need.
i am at a loss for words and not sure what to do. i drove down the street to barnes and noble to try and calm down. that is where i am posting this from. i am appalled at the things people do. how people disrespect one another and bring people down when they are the most vulnerable.
all i can do right now is breathe and take the next moments as they come.
i truly really like my T. our sesh today was good and she validated my feelings. she also played devil's advocate (as she does quite often) and challenged my irrational thoughts. she stated that i am generalizing the thought that i cant trust anyone. because in actually, there are people out there who are kind, genuine, and who are trustworthy. the people that i cannot trust i need to essentially "throw them out". we also talked about how i am not following my MP. i am so wanting to be eating intuitively and that is clearly not happening. i am not there yet and will not be there for awhile. it is a process.
le sigh. i feel a tiny bit better. it is amazing how when you are validated by others your anxiety levels decrease and the sensations in the body that go along with it dissipates.
love times infinity,
lis
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