12.9.10

i need to get it together. i have one month and 11 days (to be exact) until the spring semester begins. yiikes! time has gone by so quickly yet so slowly at the same time. the last six months since i was served with my medical leave has been a rollercoaster. with lots of twists and turns, and going upside down.

i met with my counselor from school and gosh, it was so good to see him. i missed our last appointment last month so it has been quite awhile since i saw him. he was trying to battle my irrational thinking and to start changing my behaviors that have re-surfaced TODAY. i kept saying "cant i just start tomorrow?" he pretended to hand up a cue card and gave me a look. he wanted me to say "i will start TODAY." that for me is so hard. it is so hard to change behaviors you have known for so long. my eating disorder is talking to me very loudly because it wants to stay, it doesnt want to leave. but i know if i keep living the lifestyle i am right now, i will not go back in january and will land myself back into treatment. I DONT WANT THAT.

i need to come up with a plan. first is grocery shopping. i find it so hard to shop for food for myself and to make a meal for one person is challenging in itself. i always buy the same thing. the "safe" foods. i usually go at odd times, sometimes as late as 9pm, because i know no one will be there. i hate walking up and down the aisles, people looking at me because i feel like they are judging me by what is in my cart. and boy, sometimes i can be in an aisle and stand there for 20 minutes trying to decide what to get. tomorrow i have a training from 930-1 in the town i work in and my shift does not start until 4. so i plan on going grocery shopping then. i have to. i do not have the resources in my house to follow any sort of meal plan. and a meal plan + back on track = a healthy lisa.

boy, i have a lot to tackle but i know i can do it. i was doing so well and for some reason something triggered me. but i will get back on track. i will.

love love love,

lis