12.16.10

tonight my thoughts are completely scattered. it has been an incredibly stressful day/night and i am so glad to be home.

my appointment with the dean went well. she helped me get my financial aid problems worked out (for now). that was a relief off of my shoulders...my appt at 230 is what had me all worked up.

i had an appt with my N today and i knew it wouldnt go well, as i found out what my weight was yesterday with my PCP. my PCP said "you know thin people are colder because you have no meet on your bones to keep you warm." thank you captain obvious. lol. so i immediately knew this appointment would not go well at all and my anxiety was building up, hence the valium beforehand.

i walked into walden and she immediately weighed me. then i went to her office and she asked "so how are you doing?" with that tone of voice that we all know. the tone that my weight was not good. i was honest with her that i had been restricting. she said she was shocked about the decrease in weight and was concerned. ughh. she also said if i do not restore weight by next tuesday (only 4 days away) that she will be concerned further and if there is a decrease again the next week she will be calling springfield college because it will be a "trend". i feel like there is constantly an ultimatum held over my head. recovery is not perfect as i have said a million and one times. so if i slip will that mean i cannot attend school and will be put on yet ANOTHER medical leave? i am so incredibly frustrated it isnt even funny.

i want to succeed. my healthy voice is more quiet no a days which is not a good thing. my healthy voice is 65% and my ED voice is 35%. how do i get that 35% on the other side? how do i quiet the sick lisa voice? it seems like everyday there is something new that pops up, a new curveball. i guess that is life. but for some reason when those curveballs are thrown at me, i resort back to the one thing that allows me to avoid reality. it allows me to be safe. it allows me to not be an adult and be stuck in that child-like world. a person's emotional state often is stunted by the age of where their eating disorder or mental illness began. so i am emotionally twelve or even younger.

so i need to step up my game..and fast. today did not help as i was so busy at work that i did not have time to sit and even have a meal. no bueno. i have to use school as my motivation. my T thinks i may not be ready to return next month and part of me agrees. how am i going to handle the stress, the little amount of time to make meals, pack meals, let alone eat them. when i do sit down to eat, the food is my enemy. i wish we didnt have to eat to live. it would make my life much easier.

i guess what i am getting at is i could use support. i could use encouragement. i need to know i deserve recovery and to nourish my body. as much as ED wants me to be malnourished and emaciated, i have to fight that urge with every fiber of my being. le sigh. it is time for me to head to bed (if i can).

i love you all...to pieces.

lis