hello all...oh my i am not liking this transition to winter one bit. it is quite cold at night and i sleep with (i am not kidding) four blankets including my sleeping bag that keeps you warm to -30 degrees...yikes! when i get out of work at midnight there is frost on my windshield. i am not a fan of winter at all. it is so cold, dreary, and i want to stay in bed where it is warm.
my last post was inspiring and positive..i was doing very well and was motivated to stay on track. something lately has changed. i am struggling with depression and everyday it is getting harder to get out of bed (sometimes i dont). i am not sure why this is occurring. my T seems to think that as school is fast approaching i am experiencing a lot of anxiety and the amount of pressure that will be on me is already overwhelming. everyday is still a constant struggle as i know it will be for awhile now. my weight has been maintaining and my nutritionist is happy with that because i am not losing weight. she wants me to continue to restore weight.
a lot is going on with my emotionally. i am finding myself playing things that have happened in the past couple of months in my head like a tape. over and over and over again. those emotions are coming up as if they happened yesterday. i remember what i was wearing to the t. i remember what was said, good and bad. i am reliving these things and i know i have to let go. letting go is never easy but holding on can be just as difficult.
i know i need to move past these things in order to recover. it is just so damn hard. i want a better life. i deserve a better life. i am finding myself reverting back to old behaviors and i feel like i am letting people down. so many people want me to get better but do not understand how hard it is to face my anorexia every single day. i am finding myself feeling weak and tired all the time-signs that i am not taking care of my body. i must get this under control before it gets really bad again. i dont want to go back to treatment. i want to go to school and learn..
ugh. i came into work today and i am extremely overwhelmed. we have a new house manager and there are five BILLION changes that have been made and a lot of the work is being put on my coworker and i...at least for now. i am picking up other peoples slack and i am getting tired of it. i do so many people around here favors and over extend myself. i am deciding not to do that anymore. tonight i came in and had to fix everyone's notes for billing purposes. my coworker spent all day working on it and i had only a little bit left to do. needless to say after an hour, my eyes were going buggy and my anxiety was quickly rising. so i quit. i normally do not quit, i normally want things done perfectly but tonight i just am not in the mood. i couldnt handle what was asked of me today. and i guess that is ok? i am overall a very good employee but this project was simply too difficult for my mind to grasp. i come into work everyday now and dread being here. the changes are coming at us all too fast and it is so overwhelming that i am beginning to shut down. our old house manager slacked off so badly that now we are slammed with work to do because she didnt do things right. its just a big ginormous mess.
needless to say, i cannot wait until midnight comes and i get to go home because i am just about freaking out and about to have a breakdown...
love you all,
lis
You got this, Lis. I know the stress of going to work and school...so I understand your apprehension about the future. That pressure broke me in the beginning, but in the end, it's what also made me able to "recover," whatever that means lol. It's in the fact that you want so hard to be able to do these things that "normal" people do that makes you that more motivated to ditch the ED. Continue to stay strong, sweetie. I'm here for you, always and always <3
ReplyDelete