milestone in recovery.

hello all. it has been so long since i have posted...gosh. i have so much to catch you up on...

as you all know i was admitted into treatment on sept 15. i have not posted since because i wanted to focus on my recovery 100%. this time in treatment it was so different. i opened myself up to the recovery process and was completely honest with my treatment team. something i have not done in the past. at first i kept comparing this facility to the last one i had been at 3x..then i realized that this was a new chapter and i cannot compare. i worked very hard physically and emotionally..my vitals were getting better throughout my stay and i was there PHP and IOP for a total of 5 weeks (because insurance SUCKS).

during my time there, i was hit with 2 very huge events. normally i would crumble under circumstances like these, but i faced them with grace and dignity. yes, i cried. i cried a lot. and in front of people. surprised eh? i was finally feeling feelings that i had numbed out for so long.

i did not make much progress in weight restoration however i feel as if my progress emotionally was absolutely incredible. miraculous in fact. i learned so much about myself, my triggers, and how if i miss one meal or snack, it is a slippery slope.

as my time ended, i was filled with mixed emotions. i was sad, anxious, scared, nervous, excited..all very normal. a lot was riding on this bout in treatment and i wanted nothing more than to succeed.

this facility has a special tradition on your last day. the staff imports rocks/gemstones from all over the world, which have special meaning, and your case manager picks out a particular rock for you. i received the blood stone. it is a stone for healing and courage. it helps with creativity, decision making and talents. it helps rid us of bewilderment and misunderstood thoughts. my case manager also gave me the poem "the road not taken" by robert frost. so very appropriate.

since i was discharged on oct. 25 i have had my ups and downs. more ups however. i am working hard with my treatment team, including a nutritionist. i continue to be honest with myself and them.

a few days ago, i was informed that i am allowed to return to school in the spring. i was surprised that i was not elated as i thought i would be and it intrigued me. i analyzed it for a bit and realized that i was scared. maintaining recovery is a scary thing and i want nothing more to succeed and lead a better life, because i deserve it. i do not want to be trapped in a life of self hatred because that is not a life at all. a few hours later it hit me. i am going back to school. what i have wanted for so long..then i became excited.

today marks a milestone. i registered for classes and am officially a student in the spring of 2011. i was walking on campus this morning, as i had a few meetings and it felt so surreal. this is what i have wanted and i am finally here. my hard work has paid off and i couldnt be more happy. that sense of not belonging is lingering but as i walked the streets of my beautiful campus this autumn morning i am feeling more calm, more at ease, and more at peace than i have been in awhile.

so my beautiful friends, keep fighting the fight. believe in yourself because that is what will get you through..

supporting you always,

lis