it has been almost a month since i last posted. i have continuously made drafts and then deleted them because i did not know what to write/what words to use.
autumn has set upon us and the days have been rather frigid and dreary. not very delightful days i must say.
a lot has happened in a month..
of course i started treatment. i started out in PHP and have been kickin ass & takin names. from day one i was eating 100% of my meals in program however struggling to meet my exchanges outside of program. this facility (IOL) is different...yes, we still do blind weights, however they told me what weight they would like to see me at. and yiikkes, did ED freak out. that is XX lbs heavier than i was 6 months ago. my immediate reaction was to run and not trust these people, but i stayed..
i am now in IOP and finding myself hitting the brick wall that i usually hit in tx. my eating disorder voice is getting stronger as i am getting healthier. my weight has gone up X lbs and my BP is finally getting to the "normal" range. i am feeling constant pressure to be "perfect" and not mess up. each day that i restrict and not follow my meal plan to a T, ED chimes in and says "oh well, today is ruined. might as well throw it all away." sometimes i wish he would just shut up. because i have too much at stake to throw it all away. i have worked way too hard. i just simply do not know how to break down or climb over this wall. it is almost like the great wall of china...it seems that ENORMOUS.
my ambivalence is setting in (per usual) and life sans my eating disorder seems very frightening. as of late, i have been having quite a bit of identity issues and my eating disorder has been my identity for so long that without it, i do not know who i am. and i think because of how my life has played out over the course of much of this year, i am holding onto it more and more..i will spare details. rather vague, i know. i very much want to get my masters and move on with my career and anorexia is only getting in the way. its gotten in the way of everything. and yet, part of me still wants it..craves it?
i am definitely mourning the body i had 6 months ago. ED felt comfortable in that skin, felt in control, despite of how emaciated and unhealthy i looked at 15 bmi. i look at myself now and find myself critiquing every little spot on my body that i think needs "improvement" because i have gained weight. i have not been doing well on my meal plan since i went to IOP (the past week or so)...i think it is because i believe i can maintain the weight that i am currently at, but if i gain, i will just set myself up to lose that weight when i leave. and i cannot afford to lose weight because i will not be able to re-attend school. its messed up/distorted thinking, i know..
in all the years i have been in the depths of my anorexia nothing physically has been wrong with me. in this facility, two doctors recommended that i get a bone density test (as anorexics lose bone density due to malnutrition). i went for the test (it was rather easy...5-7 minutes of laying down while a big scanner scans your back and both hips). the pants were HUGE. let me tell you...one size does not fit all! they said my doctor would have the results that afternoon. i didnt hear from the office until the next day. they said "you have mild osteoporosis". osteoporosis? no. that cant be right. i am only 22. yes, it is correct. they DID say mild however osteoporosis is permanent. only supplements can prevent progress of the disease. yes, this may seem to be a minor thing to others however for someone who has not had ANY medical complications from their eating disorder, finding out at age 22 you have the disease of an old woman that will not be corrected can be terrifying and frustrating. they suggested i take 1000mg of vitamin D a day. mamadukes came with me to pick up the vitamin D and i was rather upset about it and her response was "well you did this to yourself". thank you. like that makes it better? ughhh.
i had an awful dream last night. i was dreaming that i went for my annual exam at my obgyn. and when they did an ultrasound they found out that i could not bear any children (this could happen to me in the future due to my endometriosis). i remember in my dream hysterically crying and being so upset. i normally do not remember any dreams i have but this one i did for some reason. and during the day it was on my mind on and off. i was analyzing it, as i do with everything, and i think i know what it signifies. id rather not share on here, but it was kind of a reality check.
i have only 4 more days of treatment as i go on MWF from 8-12. i better make the most of those 4 days because i cannot be in treatment forever. i have to figure out how to cope out there in the non treatment "bubble" called the world. i need to hold myself accountable, follow a meal plan, and simply do my best. that is all i can really do...
love,
lis
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