hello loves. today has been such a weird weather day. i woke up absolutely freezing and it was frigid outside. i have been already using my 4 blankets and it is only september! that is not a good sign..it was sunny and nice all day then dreary and rainy. iick. seems like autumn is creeping upon us.
so i do not know if any of you know, but i started treatment. today was my second day. and guess what? i am supposed to be there at 8 for weights and vitals and i woke up at 8!!!! i either a) shut my alarm off in my sleep (which i am notorious for) or b) it didnt go off. needless to say i had an anxiety attack. i IMMEDIATELY called the program and they were so understanding saying "breathe. we will see you when you get here." i put on the closest set of clean clothes i could find slapped some eye makeup on, popped a valium because if i didnt i would have a complete meltdown, and headed out the door. if you know me, i DESPISE being late. i am always 10-15 minutes early. if you are on time, you are late in my book. so i was pretty much in a frantic state. plus on the highway it said there was a 5 mile backup. thank goodness i bypassed it. i got there and they weighed me and then they gave me my tray and i had breakfast. since i ate 100% of all my meals yesterday i was able to eat unsupervised this morning. so they put me in one of the treatment rooms, all alone. my eating disorder crept in..."you are all alone. no one is watching you. you could easily hide some of that food so you wouldnt have to eat it." instead of listening, i just sucked it up and ate my entire breakfast. once i was done i was able to go to group.
side note...i was admitted this time to the program 2 years TO THE DAY. how creepy is that? well i guess it makes sense with anniversaries and such. the summer tends to be a harder time for me.
right before i started the program i was so motivated for recovery. my goal was to go back to school in january, graduate, and further my life without my eating disorder. and in a matter of two days somehow that has diminished. first off, my meal plan is about DOUBLE what it was in my last program (and my weight is actually higher than in june) and the exchanges are totally different, which confuses the hell out of me. they told me they want me to gain XX lbs and for me that is going to be hard. i just feel full all the time, which is going to be expected.
my reaction now is to run. run as far as i can. my eating disorder this morning was like "well since you will be an hour late, maybe you can skip breakfast and tell them you already ate." it even tried to convince me to call out "sick". my ED voice has gotten so loud over the past 2 days. i feel like if i gain weight, i wont stop..it will just keep going. in just two short days, i can see a difference already. my pants are tighter. i basically only have now 2 pairs of jeans that fit. and its only going to get worse.
i am holding onto my anorexia for dear life but yet if i do, there will be consequences. i know i am in control here of whether i succeed or fail. the thing is, failure is so much easier and safer. i dont know what success looks like especially in recovery. i know i can fail..i am quite good at it actually. success is absolutely petrifying and my SO and T have talked about this...
living with my roommates is quite triggering. one of them is quite OCD (not diagnosed) but she is very particular and takes on the role of "house mother". she constantly writes notes on the fridge about what needs to be done or if we/mostly i have done something wrong. i feel like i cannot be myself in my own house. last night i was only the phone with my SO, and she was like "benny is upstairs sleeping and i am going to bed soon so can you keep it down?" meanwhile, she had a friend from california staying over. and they were also loud while i was on the phone. so after i had my dinner i marched up to my room and didnt come out. so no matter what, i am still isolating. i feel like she is trying to control my every move. nothing for her is ever good enough..if i clean, it isnt good enough. if i leave a pan in the sink for a day or two because i didnt get to it, i get a note on the fridge. if i leave her laundry downstairs because she left it in the dryer and i need to do laundry, i get a note of being lectured that her clothes smell musty which is complete bs because i leave mine down there and that does not happen. its never ending...i have a mom. i do not need a second one.
i have done well meal plan wise the past two days (the nutritionist was impressed with how i did on my first night) but now ED is creeping in saying "you dont need to eat all of that. she is just trying to make you fat. look at your old meal plans. this one is so much more." i actually showed the nutritionist my meal plan from the previous program i was in and she said "this isn't enough for you to even gain 1 lb a week." ummm but yet in the past at the facility i DID gain weight...i need to keep telling myself that food is medicine. i know that i can get to the weight they want me to get to because i have gone past it at Renfrew, but i am not comfortable there. i guess there is no weight i am ever comfortable with even when i was at a 14/15 bmi.
i have been suffering from anorexia for 11 years now. 6 bouts of treatment and i am tired. tired of treatment, meal plans, groups, and yet i am not tired of my eating disorder. i am in a sense, because it has made me lose so much, but yet..i have never known anything without it. so thinking about living a life without that comfort and security of knowing i have this one thing that is mine is absolutely terrifying.
today i feel so very tired. lethargic and like i have no energy to do a single thing. i kept falling asleep at work (which is not good and has been happening for awhile now). i had my labs done and my iron was VERY low so they want me on iron pills. great. another pill to take. other than that things looked fairly normal (as they tend to do). but for some reason, on the ride home from program i almost fell asleep at the wheel 4 times. i hit the thing on the side that vibrates and almost hit a truck, my eyes wouldnt stay open. it was scary and has been happening quite frequently. i think maybe i should talk to them about that. i went home and took a 20 min power nap and that did nothing and had to head to work. i still feel like all of energy has been zapped out of me...it probably doesnt help that i work 4-midnight 5 days a week and then have program 5 days a week at 8 am along with appts and daily living. it is very hard to stick to a meal plan when i am constantly on the go. i got from one place to the next. from A to B to C without a break in between. it gets exhausting.
i guess my ambivalence is setting in again..and that is what always gets me into trouble. so i need to catch it before it gets really bad. im just not sure how to...
i apologize for this post being so negative..i just need to vent and i dont have a lot of people to do that with.
the ONE thing i am so totally looking forward to is i am visiting my biological siblings (all 3 of them) this weekend in VT. I will update you/put up pictures after our visit. i havent seen them since i met them the first time in over a year and a half...but i am uber excited!!! =]
love love love galore,
lis
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