on thursday 9.9.10 heaven gained another amazing angel. my great uncle, bob, lost his battle with cancer and pneumonia. i saw him weeks earlier when he was in the hospital with a bad infection in his arm. i cherish those moments..i was able to talk to him, joke with him, catch up on life. i saw him this past wednesday. he was the complete opposite. he hadnt eaten in days (but drinking ensure), he was going in and out of sleep, hallucinating about all sorts of things, his arms and legs were swollen...he was receiving about 4 breathing treatments a day. it was so hard to watch...so sad. only a few weeks ago he was alive and well. and so quickly there was a downfall...
we all kind of knew when we saw him on wednesday that he was going to pass because his children signed papers for hospice. but we just didnt expect it in less than 24 hours...the funeral is tomorrow. may angels lead you in.
losing loved ones are such a trigger to me, as they are to anyone else for that matter. as much as i know my anorexia can kill me it makes me want to hold onto it that much more...
i went to visit a friend at school last night and that again was another trigger. boy, do i have a lot of those, non? it was so hard being on campus seeing familiar faces but yet not being a student. she usually says to me "you're too tiny" or something along those sorts aka put some meat on your bones. but last night..nothing of that sort. that got ed mad. "she didnt say how skinny you are. see...you are fat fat fat. you arent sick enough to go to treatment...you obviously dont need it."...well, i do have an intake on tuesday for treatment and i am scared to death. i HAVE to be the perfect compliant patient in order to go back to school. and i am scared that i cannot maintain their perfect structured square in a box regulations for me to go back and to STAY in school. i have never maintained a healthy state for a long period of time...i am afraid if i slip up, even a tiny bit, or say the wrong thing (since everything will be sent to the college) that i will not go back or stay in school. i already struggle with black/white thinking but this is that times a million.
as i am writing this i find out that another couple i went to college with is engaged. that would be like 5+ in the past few months and people i went to school with are starting families. i am starting to think that just like Jenni Schaefer, maybe i have married ED..maybe i am only engaged to him...who knows. but obviously i am at a standstill. see those things on faceybook just make me feel like i am going no where and am doing nothing. my eating disorder has alienated me from the world and i feel like i no longer have a place. i need to find out who lisa is again...
i am going to go in there on tuesday and be open, honest, and give it a shot. my natural instinct is to lie, manipulate, fake it, and pull the wool over everyones eyes. but that has done nothing but lead to a completely destructive path called my life. so i need to try something different. something completely against my every instinct and gut feeling. take a risk. its going to hard. recovery is hard. really hard. somehow, someway i need to get in the mindset that anorexia is not life. it is death. and it WILL kill me. life is too precious. too precious to spend time after time in treatment. too precious to worry about whether my jeans are too tight and what someone thinks of me...i need to get that out of my head.
i feel like i am all over the place. one minute i am pro recover the other i am that scared little girl who wants to crawl into a ball and hide. i am unsure of what to do or how to go about doing it. i have struggled with that for so long. and yet, no one has the answers...but me...
love love love
lis
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