as i said last night, today would be a hard day for me. my alarm went off at 930. i immediately walked across my room and shut it off. i didnt want to face the day. i wanted to be a lump under my pink blanket..avoid my feelings. something i am quite good at. i kept setting my alarm on my phone thinking i would get out of bed. fail.
finally 3:15 rolls around. i have to be at work by 4 and it takes me 30 mins to get there. i throw on whatever clothes i can find, pack my bag and head on out. i didnt care what i looked like. i was miserable. i texted my SO other before i left "i need you". within minutes i got a phone call. the words "tomorrow is a new day" were said. this is true. i did not get a thing i wanted to get accomplished today but tomorrow will come.
as i got to work i decided as soon as i had a spare minute, i would call the treatment facility to set up an evaluation. they need a referral from either a doctor or therapist. so i called my T and left her a message. within one hour she called me back and said she called them...
i sighed and did what i had to do. i called the facility back. they asked me the typical questions. have i ever harmed myself or others. what is my current height and weight. how long have i had my eating disorder. what behaviors have i engaged in, now or in the past. all that stuff we know about.
my eval is monday at 11 am. i am scared to death. i know that i have to do this in order to be healthy and lead the life that i want to lead. so i will breathe and face it head on. i will walk in there monday morning (probably shaking from anxiety and will need lots of valium) and be open, honest, and trust the team and their decision.
someone tonight told me "Lisa, well done. I am proud of you for taking that huge step. Breathe, do your turn about face and walk right into that which you are most afraid, and I promise, good things will come to pass for you. Yo u can do this, you can recover and you can live free of self loathing. I believe in you. I am right behind you, cheering you on..." that meant the world since my support network is so small.
tomorrow i have a full day planned. i am waking up early...alarm set for 730. ughhh. and i am going to make the phone calls/run the errands (including going to campus...lordy) and then head to CT. i am meeting my gram in west hartford at 1230 to visit her brother in the hospital. he is very very very sick. then i will come back to my house, mamadukes is meeting me here and we are going out to eat and go shopping. for clothes and for some things for my room. i am in desperate need of a new comforter (but i am picky as hell), i would like a small dark wood table to use as a nightstand, a mop for the house, and some other things. i should be home by 9 and then i dont know if i have plans or not or if i will relax, watch the real world & paint my toenails.
today started badly. but i am proud that i made a step. small steps are the key to success.
love you to pieces,
lis
I am glad you did!
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