8.26.10

i am sitting on our new little black futon (courtesy of the new roomie) trying to put my thoughts and feelings of todays events into words.

today was such a dreary day. it was hard for me to wake up as my new med has me offly groggy in the eh emm. i woke up around 1130 then back to bed for 130. i managed to put my feet on the floor and begin my day. let me say, i woke up feeling like i got hit by a semi. my head

was pounding all the way down my jawline and every muscle in my body hurt, even to my fingers...

i wanted to run some errands including getting a new planner since my runs out next week, find a trash can for my room since my was donated to our bathroom (cuz it matched hehe) and maybe some odds and ends. that was a chore in itself. if you know me, i am the pickiest person around. when i have something set in my mind, i do not deviate. so needless to say, i spent about 3 1/2 hours and 7 stores later looking for what i wanted..

this was the planner i bought. something gravitated me to it..in remembrance of jewls<3>

i killed some time shopping & decided to go to kohls. well let me tell you that was a BIG mistake. i needed some bras because it has been about a million light years since i have bought some. so i am in the bra section and i went through about 5 brands and couldnt find my size. i was like double you tee eff? so i decided to go into the girls section just for the hell of it. guess what? my size is now in the girls section 7-16. i was immediately flooded with thoughts. good and bad. its like i had the angel and devil on both shoulders. the healthy lisa was embarrassed and ashamed that i am almost 23 and fitting in XX size bra. the anorexic side of me was like "look how thin you are. there is only one size below. you can get to that size. with me you are safe and comfortable. if you get bigger people wont like you. they will be disgusted by you". i left the store buying 7 bras despite my feelings but was about to burst into tears at the register.

by that time it was time for me to hit the road to go see my T at 6. and i told her that i think i had more to say than 50 minutes allotted for. we talked about so much. so much got accomplished...

i talked about how my family dynamic on my mom's side is so vastly different than on my dad's side. in LI they are so open about my cousin's ED and her self mutilation, but in a healthy way. while on my moms side it is all hush hush..as if it isnt happening. and if it isnt talked about, then i dont exist/appear. i am ostracized from the family because of my anorexia. it makes me separate from the rest...we also talked about how the other day my mom said "why would your psychiatrist put you on a medication that makes you lose weight with YOUR PROBLEM?" as if she couldnt utter the words "eating disorder" it made me angry.

i felt like i barely shut up during our sesh because i also talked about how i didnt see my dad during my stay on the island despite telling him a month beforehand and giving him a reminder 4 days beforehand. his excuse: i thought it was next weekend and i had the flu. typical dad. always an excuse. but yet he can go down to jersey all the time to see his other two kids. its as if i am the odd ball out. the child he is ashamed of. the child he wish he never had.

all in all it was a good session...i talked way more than usual (which is good) and i felt like i needed to blog in order to get things out. there are still many thoughts/feelings rolling around in my head but i think i will leave those for another day.

nuh nights my beautiful friends,

lis