since my last post, quite a few things have gone on...
i know that i wrote in my last post about how an idiot my psychiatrist is for putting me on a med that makes me LOSE weight. yes well i put in not one. but TWO phone calls for him. two days later i hear from him...he doesnt have my chart in front of him and then goes "youve been on valium for awhile right?" oh my god. no he just prescribed that the week before. after 15 minutes he decided to take me off the effexor and put me on remeron...another antidepressant. one of the side effects is weight GAIN. i guess thats better than loss but now i am going to freak out and have a total meltdown when i begin gaining X lbs and my clothes get tighter. he said take 1/2 tab at bedtime for 4 days and then 1 tab at bedtime after that. this past weekend i went to long island to visit family so i didnt start it...for fear of some sort of reaction...
that trip was MUCH needed. i miss that side of the family so so much. i had a blast (despite how tired i was) i worked til midnight on fri and packed until 2:30 am. got up at 5:30. left MA by 6:45 and got to LI by 9:30. we went to the beach. as soon as we got there this poor girl was brought out on a stretcher hooked up to O2. poor girl. i dont know what happened...maybe she was drowing? it was fun at the beach. cloudy and breezy but the sun decided to make an appearance 20 min before we left. after the beach we went back to my family's house and had dinner. family style. like a sit at the table, pass food around dinner. i havent done that in awhile. i managed to feel comfortable because my cousin also suffers from an ED so i knew she was going through the same thoughts and feelings as i. sometimes i think we are twins (the whole time i was there we would just look at each other and know what we were thinking. creepy lol).
us 4 girl cousins that were there <3
after dinner we decided why not have some fun and show the parental units how to play beer pong. now let me tell you. that was HYSTERICAL. i love my aunt and uncle. they are completely candid, uncensored, and inappropriate. hehe. we stayed up til about 230 (joey and alex stopped by for a bit..)
all in all it was a good trip. the ride home was god awful. pouring down rain. like torrential downpours. i had to grab a redbull on the way home because i was falling asleep at the wheel.
so last night was the first night i took the remeron. it knocked me on my ass. i was a complete zombie. didnt wake up til 230 with about 43897543893 missed calls from mamadukes. oh and by the way...valium makes me feel like i am stoned. i now feel in a daze 24/7. ughh. its not a good feeling. i almost feel like i know whats happening but am just kinda watching?? i dont know if that makes sense? like an out of body experience or something.
well, something happened tonight that really made me want to post/vent. my roommate (i love her to pieces) wrote me a faceybook message about something (i dont want to mention it here) and it brought up all these terrible feelings. i feel so much shame and guilt. i feel like curling up in a ball and hiding under my pink blanket. i feel like all i do is fuck up, disappoint people, and am a burden. almost like i just want to disappear. it is not a very good feeling. i find my anorexic thoughts are creeping in. but i mustnt let them. i know my roommate loves me and cares for me just like everyone else however i do not need another mother. i already have one so i might as well make the best of it. i dont know. i guess i am just angry. and you know me..i dont get angry...i normally bottle up all of my emotions and take them out on myself in self-destructive ways.
on a lighter note..i saw my counselor from school yesterday. oh boy did i miss him! he always knows the right things to say. i have known him for 4? years now and we have such a good relationship. he said "should i give you a good swift kick in the ass with my shoe on or without?" haha. that made me laugh so hard. but yet hes right. i do need a kick in the butt. i need someone to tell me to get going. so we set a goal. for me to go to treatment between sept 1 and oct 1..leaning more towards sept. he also made a really good observation. i say the words "i dont know" a lot. he said "if i had a nickel for everytime i heard you say that i would be rich". even after that, i caught myself saying it but stopped mid-sentence and changed my wording. my appt with him was for 3. by 4 my attitude had changed a bit. which i guess is good. baby steps. i just have to keep thinking...baby steps.
phewwww. i think i have said a lot right now. le sigh. i think i may be out of breath. tomorrow is my day off. hopefully i can get a good night sleep (without a med hangover) and be productive before i see my T at 6 pm. until then...
love love love,
lis
Hey Lisa I was on remeron for years and didn't have problems with weight gain. I def hated how it knocked me out though, esp at first. my psych told me that the higher doses have less side effects(tiredness etc) than lower doses do. weird i know, but I was way less tired when my does went up to 45mg. Maybe ask about that? And i know the idea of the weight gain side efffect is scary, but I wouldn't be too concerned. good luck with everything!
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