my life has been a complete roller coaster. full of ups and downs, twists and turns. i look in the mirror and have no idea who i am anymore...and that saddens me.
i havent posted in awhile for fear of being judged. i am not doing well. not at all. its august 12th, less than a month til fall semester rolls around and i havent even gotten my butt back to treatment. i find my motivation is at a negative 5. i no longer want to go to work, i dont want to go to my appointments. i dont want to do...anything. all i want to do is is sleep or drink. yes, my two best avoiding techniques. then i will not have to face the world or my feelings.
today i had 2 appts. therapy @ 12 and my psychiatrist at 2. the day did not start off well. i set not one, not two, but three alarms and shut them all of in my sleep. luckily i woke up at 11 am (i need to leave my house by 1120 to get to therapy) so needless to say i had to rush around like a mad woman to get ready. on my way to see my T, i got into a fight with my SO (significant other)...i dont really want to get into it and air our dirty laundry on here...
therapy was tough. i cried. yes, you didnt just hallucinate...you read that right. i cried. for the first time in therapy in years. i was very emotional from the conversation with my SO and i couldnt hold it in. something my T said really struck me, and the tears just welled up. she said in a firm voice "you have done NOTHING since you got that letter. not one thing". what can i say? shes right. she hit the nail on the head. i have done nothing. i have been at a standstill since i received the letter from school. i think she was surprised that for the first time since we have been working together, she saw some emotion come out of me. i told her i had an urge to run. why? because i dont like feeling that way. all vulnerable and exposed. i know you should feel comfortable showing emotion in therapy but i dont like to...at all. she told me she would be crying too if she were in my shoes. that didnt make me feel better. i did the typical "lisa move" and swallowed my tears.. she suggests that i volunteer somewhere and give back. it is all part of the healing process. i told her that is my goal for next week-to find somewhere to volunteer. i am thinking at a local hospital, a battered women's shelter, planned parenthood or something like that. we shall see...
i had about an hour in between my appts. i processed my sesh & went onward with my next appt. my psychiatrist doesnt know what to do with me. he looked through my file and was like "i have seen you since sept 09 and nothing really has changed...". sounds promising, doesnt it? he decided to fuck change my meds completely..i am now on...
- effexor instead of prozac
- bumping my lamictal up
- taking me off of buspar
- and instead of klonies giving me valium.
boy. i sure hope this cocktail hes got goin on is going to help because i am already pretty miserable. he was reluctant to give me anything other than klonies (he doesnt even like to give me those because of my drinking hx). he said that he is risking his license and life by prescribing me these drugs because if i drink and get into a car, have an accident, and they take my blood and find alcohol & a benzo they will be after him. great. another person who thinks i am a "liability". he kept telling me that i had such a great life and had so many wonderful things going for me and its all in jeopardy now because of the choices ive made. thank you captain obvious....he finally stopped lecturing me and gave me the prescription. i got out of there as soon as i could.
i hope i snap out of this funk soon. because january isnt that far away (according to my T i am looking at it that way...when in reality a lot of change can occur in 4 months). i want to go back to school but i dont want to do what is required for me to get back. the ambivalence is killing me..
anyways, sorry for such a lengthy and negative post =/ i just really needed to vent.
on a side note. there is supposed to be a beautiful meteor shower tonight. maybe when i get out of work i will take my blankey outside and watch it...thinking of jewls.
love you to the moon,
lis
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