...i pressed the first "drop" button. my heart sank. i continued with the other three. after that it was done. i am no longer a graduate student for the fall 2010 semester. how did i let this happen? how did it get this bad so fast? surprisingly, i didnt feel much. i was numb. no emotion towards it. in my mind, this still isnt happening. if i ignore it enough, it will go away. WRONG. this is here to stay. the administration has made up their mind and they arent changing it...
i still have to face the financial aid department and figure out my student loans and such...which i have been avoiding for weeks. i think this is because i dont want to believe this is all real. i dont want to believe that my life, my goals, my dreams, have been put on hold because i cannot let go of the one thing that is slowly killing me.
i have been struggling with depression since i was hit with the initial news. i spend most of my days in bed and then go to work at night. i dont stumble out of bed until after 2 pm only to run around getting ready for my shift. i feel as if i no longer have a purpose. just like my anorexia, school is a huge identity of mine. and now (for at least 6 months) i no longer have that. how will i fill my time during the days? that is something i still have not figured that out...
i spent a little time with mamadukes and i can tell she is angry at me. she wont come out and say it but will make jabs at me without exactly referencing me. i cannot think of her exact words, but they have been hurtful. they sting straight to my core. and i just sit there and take it. because who am i to fight back? i am her only child who has disappointed her time and time again. but everytime i see her, she makes it known through her words, but not directly saying it, that she is angry, hurt, and disappointed...
...i am disappointed in myself enough as it is. i let this stupid eating disorder control my life to the point where i have lost people that i love, family and friends included, i have been asked to leave school for a good amount of time, and i have isolated myself to the point where i dont know who to turn to. all for what? all to be thin?? the price of being emaciated has become to high. i still suffer from the disorted thoughts of wanting to go back to march 2010 where i was so sick and in such anguish and despair, but then i think of how lonely i was. i had no one around me. ED was controlling my every move, thought, and feeling of control (or lack there of). thats no way to live.
i have a future that i want to pursue as well as goals. my number one goal is to be a mother. i cannot do this unless i am healthy place in all aspects of my life. i cannot wait to have little ones running around calling me "mommy". my niece, bree, reminds me of this. she is absolutely adorable and without doing anything she puts the biggest smile on my face. i cannot wait until i am able to carry a baby in my tummy for 9 months and love them with all of my heart and soul before i even meet them. how is it you can love someone with all of your heart before you have even met them? i dont know, but it happens when you become a parent..and i want that desperately. i know that in order for all of this to happen, i need to be happy, healthy, and ed cannot be in my life. so i am slowly, but surely, working towards that.
on a good note...
i am in the most amazing, world-spinning, stomach-dropping, breath-stealing relationship. there have been some most serious difficult times but there have also been times were i feel on top of the world. i get butterflies in my stomach. that warm fuzzy feeling. i havent felt that in a long long time. i genuinely feel loved, cared for, and simply accepted for who i am. and let me tell you...that is simply a beautiful thing.
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