i apologize for not posting in awhile, kiddos. things have been quite hectic here. thank goodness i finally finished mini session today. a full semester of classes crammed into 3 week was good but had its downfalls as well. i am thrilled to have 12 credits out of the way in a 3 week time period but these weeks have been mentally and physically draining and exhausting...especially one class which has made me think critically about so many different things. i am so very thankful for that class and that professor...allison is absolutely amazing. her goal is to get you to be uncomfortable and if you are, then she has done her job. well let me tell you...there were many times i was uncomfortable but it took me out of my little "springfield college bubble" and allowed me to see other walks of life and the struggles that others go through on a day to day basis.
i have an incredible amount of things to update you folks on, i dont even know where to begin...
my session with my T last week was anything but good. she and i have been stuck week after week and she finally called me out on it. she thinks that the team is more invested in my tx than i am (which i think there is truth to that) and she doesnt think i am doing the work that i need to be doing in therapy. honestly, i have been so drained the past few weeks that i have not been able to hold a single thought never mind dig deep emotionally about my eating disorder. basically the session was left with me having to decide whether to continue working with her (and i would have to make a significant commitment to recovery) or to terminate. no pressure, right? i wanted to break down in tears at the end of the sesh but i couldnt. i couldnt feel. i was like "is this really happening? is one of my professionals saying uncle and giving up on me?" it didnt hit me until i was driving to work and then i crumbled. and at my job you have to leave your shit at the door..which that day it was EXTREMELY difficult to do. when i left my T told me she would call the director of the health center and let her know what happened. oyyy.
i went through the week trying to decide what to do and i went back and forth back and forth. my ed voice kept creeping in saying "well if she isnt in your life then you can lose X lbs". i finally decided that i do not want to lose an essential part of my tx team. i love my T and i think that once i get in the right state of mind (which needs to be NOW) i can make progress in a therapeutic way.
as well as seeing my regular T on friday, i saw my counselor at school. his primary expertise is in substance abuse so that is usually what we focus on during our sessions. our session was going well and then i felt a HUGE weight on my shoulders. i have been keeping a secret from him for awhile (about 4 months or so)..he knew something was up...i told him i was reluctant to say anything because i wanted it to stay confidential, between him and i...and i didnt really have to say the exact words. he just knew. i felt relieved that finally this was out in the open (because it was like the big elephant in the room) but yet i felt such guilt and shame. i felt like i disappointed the one person who has been there for me through everything. and when i say everything, i mean EVERYTHING. he has never turned his back on me no matter how bad things get. he always believes in me even when i dont believe in myself. he kept telling me "you deserve a better life.." and i replied "well i dont believe that". then he compared our relationship to me being a counselor in the future and how i will eventually be saying the same thing to my clients...and how i feel that other people deserve a better life than i do..he said "well, you are other people." WOW. that hit home. i am so incredibly grateful to have him in my life. after our session ended, i went home and reflected on what we discussed. i decided to send him a quick email thanking him for not judging me based upon the information i disclosed. i stated that i felt relieved to get it off my chest because "secrets keep us sick". his rely was "OK, Lisa. I am glad you felt comfortable to share it...good luck as you continue to move forward."
Yes...to the average person this seems like a nice and genuine response, but my initial reaction was "what the fuck? i just told you something very intimate and was hoping to continue seeing you and you brush it off as if it nothing?!?!?" there are those famous irrational thoughts...as if he is abandoning and rejecting me. but then i realized, maybe he has some feelings about the session and needs time and space to process it. he is human too. he has feelings just like i do...so enough about that...
today i had my weekly appt at the health center and guess what? my BP was sky high again. big surprise. i went into lindas office and i told her i have been having chest pains lately. its like in the center leftish part of my chest and comes and goes. it sometimes hurts when i breathe, as if someone is stabbing me in the chest. i spent all of wednesday night after class in bed trying to relax to make them go away. she was asking me a zillion questions and then asked how my eating has been (since my weight did increase this past week). she and i talked about my therapy session last week. she said when she hears from a professional that the client is not making progress and the professional is frustrated, she gets concerned. she then told me that if there is ONE more weight decrease that i am on my way to tx (there has been at least 2 occasions since this medical monitoring began that my weight decrease...aka i should have been out of there awhile ago..) and if my T decides that i am not making any progress i am also on my way to tx. oh my goddd. i feel like no matter what i do its not good enough. i have gained 13 lbs in the past few months and thats a big thing for me. especially since i was at such a low bmi. but yet if i screw up one more little thing, i have to go back to tx and lose everything. my education, internship, job, spend more ridiculous amounts of money and so on. which is NOT happening.
she did another EKG today and everything came back normal (thank god) and i made an appt to see my PCP for tomorrow which means i had to shuffle around my entire schedule for the day since i already had 2 appts set up here in MA.
so lets just say this appt today really gave me a swift kick in the ass. it is now or never, kiddos. i have so much at stake if i let ed win. and i dont want to lose all of that. all of my hopes, dreams, and hard work down the toilet for what? a "best friend" who treats me like absolute shit.
today after my appt at the health center i decided to make a pros/cons list of my eating disorder and a list of things i want to achieve in therapy and i am going to bring them to my session tomorrow. i feel like it is a good start and she will be happy that i am putting forth some effort towards my recovery. here are my goals:
- challenge my cognitive distortions
- learn to allow myself to feel uncomfortable emotions instead of running from them
- understand where my eating disorder stems from
- begin to come up with healthy and positive coping skills that can be utilized during a difficult time
- learn how to not internalize others' struggles and begin to branch out my social network
i think that is a good start, non? we will see how it goes tomorrow when i see her...wish me luck!
love you to the moon & back
lis
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