hey dolls. sorry i havent posted in a little while. i have been SUPER busy with school and work. i am completely and utterly exhausted...and i have 2 weeks left of this hectic schedule. oh boy!
i have found myself, more so lately than ever, pondering life and re-evaluating mine. i am currently in a counseling diverse populations class where we talk about race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, feminism and such. our very first assignment on the second day was something my professor called a "culture bag". we had to bring in 6-8 things or make a poster of things that represented who we are and where we have come from and basically our life story. i am not kidding when i tell you this, i spent an hour over analyzing this assignment wondering what to bring. i searched my room high and low and i couldnt think of what to bring. it all of a sudden occurred to me. my ENTIRE life is/has been consumed with my eating disorder. everything i thought of bringing in somehow tied to my disorder..i was sad, frustrated...and proud? but proud isnt the right word...
i ended up bringing my strong woman necklace from renfrew and a picture of the pink house (the only 2 things that represented my eating disorder). because the more i thought about it the more i realized that it IS a big part of my life and it has shaped me who i am today, whether positively or negatively. i told my story and to my surprise the class of 11 and my professor were very open minded and non-judgmental. so completely different than any other experience i have had where i have told my story. i brought a picture of my little nugget, a picture of my foster mother and i from a year ago when i first met her, my jacket from semi-pro cheerleading, and a trinket from when i lived on cape cod...
...but this assignment opened my eyes so very big and wide. my eating disorder is who i am. it defines me. i have suddenly realized that people see me only for my eating disorder and for only being "thin". people are always commenting on my physical appearance, often before anything else and disregarding all of the accomplishments i have made in life...as if being at a low weight has put me on a pedestal and highly valued. it has become "my thing". the one thing i am good at. the one thing i consistently have. and as much as it is comforting and safe, i often wonder what i would do with all of the time and money that has been spent on my eating disorder. as my medical bills are $300 a month. OUCH!
i have been trying to consistently maintain a semi-okay caloric intake but if i were to be honest, i dont think i have been doing so well. i havent been counting calories (which i guess is good) and my weight was up at my last weekly appointment, but i still find myself restricting a lot. especially in times of anxiety, stress, and times where i do not want to feel. my eating disorder is still the #1 thing i turn to during all of that. i almost think, how do normal people cope? certainly not by restricting their food intake, over-exercising, abusing laxies, or purging. they sit with their feelings and ride the wave. so why cant i do the same? i guess i can, its just incredibly uncomfortable. i have been numbing myself for so many years and now that i am beginning to become a little bit healthier and start to feel feelings, i want to run away...any way that i can. i have done the unimaginable just to not feel. things i am not proud of by any means. it just continues to baffle me.
am i going to struggle with this for the rest of my life? i do not know. but this certainly isnt a life...being consumed by negative thoughts on a constant basis, measuring my self worth by a piece of machinery, wondering how people view me and what they think about me. it honestly is exhausting. and i could be doing so many more things with all of that time and energy...i am so conflicted because as i type these words i almost dont believe it myself. how i was 2 or 3 months back in february and march is so enticing. it was safe, familiar, allowed people to care for me. and now i am being hold accountable for every action and decision i make. it would be so easy just to slip back into that deep, dark, and dreary place of self loathing but there is so much riding on recovery this time. it honestly is so much pressure to be under and honestly...i am beginning to crack. one day at a time.
i have about 754290458543 different thoughts racing through my head and this post could end up getting quite lengthy. so i think i will leave you for right now.
i love you all. forever.
lis
Lis--this is beautiful. I dont know how many times i had to do a similar assignment in therapy or class or wherever, and it seems like i always go back to my ED. Its crazy how much influence, power, and persuasion our Eds have...when we let them. I had a weigh in yesterday at my doctor and i gained three pounds. Its weird to think that a normal healthy person wouldnt think anything of it, but to me, it was like a shot to my heart. Its ridiculous how much one number can determine whether we have a good day or a bad day. After I found out, i was so upset, i didnt know what to with myself, so i went to cvs to buy slimfast shakes. I chugged one right outta the store, and then cried. All this over a number??!! When my voice powers over Ed in my healthy moments, I know how crazy this whole disease is...but i know exactly how you feel--completely consumed, wrapped up, and squeezed by Ed. Lets kick his ass one moment at a time, one hour at a time, and lets get back to being US!! <3
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