challenging the dissonance

hello my beautiful friends. today is the first day of classes for mini-session. i am taking 3 classes condensed into 3 weeks for 4 days a week so needless to say i am quite stressed. i have counseling diverse populations 9-1150, psych testing (which i took in undergrad) 1-350 and then group dynamics 7-950. i have been to my first two classes as of right now and i already have an assignment due tomorrow, a paper on wednesday, a quiz next monday, and a paper next wednesday. yiiikes.

so during my hour break from 12-1 i decided to go tanning. i know i know..its cancer in a box. to my surprise they were having a 50% sale. so i bought a month unlimited for $30. SCORE!!! after my 12 minutes of baking, it was time to go to class. and i was dreading what i had to do directly after my 1:00...grocery shopping.

i am not exaggerating when i say this, but i had nothing..zip, zilch, 0...in my house food wise. i pretty much had bread, peanut butter, jelly, and some oatmeal and that is it. i knew that in order to maintain this upward trend in gaining weight that i would have to buy quite a bit of food, especially when i will be so busy for the next 3 weeks.

the actual shopping part wasnt so terrible. ed crept in a few times saying that choice A was better than choice B because of less calories and so on. ughhh. i didnt freak out until i got to the checkout line. i had to put everything i bought on the conveyour belt. ohhh god. looking at everything i bought and ed screaming "look at how much food you are buying. the cashier thinks your a fat ass. thats disgusting. you need to put all of it back". and the total amount of the bill freaked ed out even more. "you spent that much money on JUST yourself? how dare you! you dont deserve any of that. not one bit of it." i walked out of the store bursting at the seams with shame and guilt. i did what i need to in order to have a healthy body and life and yet i feel such incredible guilt.

i came home and had to put away all of my purchases and i am not going to lie i felt like getting back into the car and returning the items i bought. but i cant. i need to nourish my body if i want to achieve my goals. my body is craving for nourishment and with the way my lifestyle is currently not feeding it isnt an option. unless i want to end up in the hospital.

i just dont get it. why do i feel like i dont deserve these things but if it was anyone else they do? why do i feel such shame and guilt in doing a normal activity? i guess my thinking is still absolutely 100% distorted even though i have put on about 12 lbs. i have worked so hard to recover from this terrible relapse but my thinking is still so eating disordered.

i am stressing out. i have become surrounded by a lot of negativity as of late and if i want to keep moving in a positive direction i need to start weeding people and things out of my life. its so much easier said than done. because i truly care about these people with every ounce of my being. but they are sucking the life out of me. they are going downhill and dragging me with them. it is so much easier just to say "fuck it all" and crash and burn with them than to fight this battle every moment of everyday.

my anorexia has become who i am for so long. without it i dont know who i am or what i would be. it is my best friend, my boyfriend, it doesnt allow me to feel anything at all. not love. not hate. nothing. and right now i am feeling feelings i havent felt in so long because i am resisting my eating disorder (despite slipping and engaging in behaviors yesterday. ughhh) i feel shame, guilt, a deep sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and any other feeling out there. and it is uncomfortable..the dissonance is killing me. but i guess that is what recovery is about. it is about challenging that dissonance and choosing life each day that you wake up.

i am getting even more anxious sitting here writing this post so im going to go take some kpins & buspar to ease some of it..

well i hope you are having a great monday!!!

xoxoxox

lis