long time no post, eh? my life is getting more and more hectic as the days pass and i havent had a chance to sit and blog nevermind breathe. i have attempted at writing a post a few times because i have a lot to say, but the words just dont seem to come out quite right...
things have been going fairly well. i have been increasing my intake more and am beginning to restore weight. little by little. i did lose this past week [it wasnt much] and the director of the health center could tell that i am putting in my best effort. she thinks that since i am eating throughout the day that my metabolic rate is increasing. she suggested that i eat more dense foods that contain more calories and to continue drinking ensure + on a daily basis. i am thinking of coming up with some ensure concoctions. good idea, non?
lately as i have been increasing my cals my body image has been horrendous. its quite amazing how ed really distorts our perceptions about how we look. because i remember one night at work i felt like a complete and disgusting fat cow. i know fat isnt a feeling but i literally felt like an orca whale. i then weighed myself when i got home from work and to my surprise, i actually lost instead of gained. its completely frustrating that what i see is not real. it messes with my head. my clothes are not as loose as they were 2 months ago which bothers ed real badly. he keeps telling me how much better i looked when i was down to 15 bmi and how easy it would be to get back there. but then i wont be able to achieve my goals in life if i am sick. its a constant battle going on in my head.
as i have said in previous posts, my job can be VERY triggering at times. and today was one of them. i was sitting with one of my clients, her friend, and a coworker and as usual, my weight and appearance became a discussion of topic. my client and her friend were like "oh my goodness you are so thin! i wish i had your body." asking what i weighed and she was like "do you know what you weigh? like XX?" i responded with "no i dont know" and redirected the conversation. that was an epic failure. my coworker then chimed in "lisa has gained some weight since we have known her." and blah blah blah the conversation continued. this made me so uncomfortable. ed was screaming. i got up and left the room and tended to dinner (what a lovely time to tend to cooking. oyyy)
after my coworker left to go home i mustered up the confidence to text him and stand up for myself. the text read:
i didnt want to say anything in front of the clients but would you mind not discussing my appearance and weight? it makes me uncomfortable and makes me even more aware than i already am about the physical changes my body has made over the past 2 months or so. i know you mean no harm but i just wanted you to be aware of how it makes me feel and to ask you to please be more mindful.
he IMMEDIATELY called me and apologized. he told me that i was right and he knows what i am battling and didnt want to make me uncomfortable in anyway. wow. i was shocked. i used my voice and it worked. anorexia has left me silent for so many years and i finally stood up for myself and had a positive outcome. because in reality, it is unnecessary, inappropriate, and no one has the right to comment on anyone elses appearance or weight. it is not healthy and simply isnt therapeutic
on a good note. i got a 4.0 again this semester. that is 2 semesters in a row! it kind of amazes me how i did extremely well in school despite how sick i was. my therapist of course isnt surprised since i am a perfectionist. monday starts my minisession. 3 weeks of complete hell. an entire semester of 3 classes crammed into 3 weeks plus work. yiiiikes. i really need to take care of myself during those weeks. that means i am going to attempt to work up to my last meal plan when i was in tx and pack things to eat the night before to bring with me as i will be on campus for the majority of the day. i know i can do it. ive done it before. its just getting past the horrible critical voice in my head that says i dont deserve nourishment and that i have to take care of everyone else first. its almost like everyone elses needs devour me to the point where my hunger for life is nonexistent. le sighhh.
anyways i am rambling on and on and on. i will update you again soon.
have a super friday, lovelies!
love you to the moon & back,
lis
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